Updated: May 25
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
I call bull shit on my last blog about being afraid of losing myself in a relationship. First of all, I get lost on the trails in Forest Park and the streets of Manhattan more than I would like to admit. No joke! And I totally get wrapped up and lost in projects, my children, my running and even my depression where I sometimes find myself completely lost. If anything, I welcome the lost moments, not fearful of them. We need the dark just as much as the light to grow. Granted I will say, losing yourself in relationships can be difficult but not any more difficult than finding yourself along the way.
The transition between winter to spring was quite a journey. As we rang in a new decade 2020, I kissed my 30's goodbye with a month-long celebration and 3 very different birthday parties. The first one in Boston with birthday buddies Jude Desires and Lucille Ballbuster, followed by a spanking party in Manhattan where I dished out the spankings, then finally in-between my winter tours, I hosted a 100+ person birthday bash at my 1,100 square foot townhouse in Portland Oregon. Then an abrupt shift to everyone's life happened with the Coronavirus 19 pandemic.
*Aw I bet you wanted details on those parties. I guess you'll have to buy the book.
Anyways, while I was on winter tour number two in the first part of March, a national emergency was declared. The plague hit; Coronavirus Pandemic 2020. I haven't watched this much news in a long time and wow it's really intense reality television too. Oh, did I mention I was in New York when Trump made the announcement? I felt slightly paralyzed with the news but oddly calm, like the eye of the storm.
Decisions needed to be made quickly and with little information presented. I made the choice to stay put in New York City after the announcement. With a background in nursing, I understand infectious disease and by no means did I want to head out in an environment that I had no control over, to fly back to the West Coast to only put myself and many others at risk. I know living with Endometriosis, it can trigger imbalances in the immune system, especially when under stress which can put me at a higher risk of getting ill. There's just no need to induce unnecessary stress and I was not willing to possibly expose my youngest child with Type One Diabetes, (which is an autoimmune disease) to unnecessary exposure. I played my part and stayed put.
I ended up acknowledging the Spring Equinox with ritual and meditation alone in my Manhattan apartment. While practicing my traditions, I reminisced about my recent visits to New York City and how much NYC has become apart of my story. I was here around the Fall Equinox, 6 months prior and the Winter Solstice, 3 months prior. If things go as planned, I will be in the Big Apple running on June 2oth (Summer Solstice) 2020 as a participant in The Great New York 100 Miler.
Of course, this particular season, change in the city has left a lasting impression. The empty streets of Manhattan are a site many New Yorkers have never seen. An introvert's dream but yet, eerie. I've been following the lockdown guidelines with hopes to return by 4/20 for my youngest's birthday. In the meantime, I'm grateful that I'm a person that doesn't get bored and don't self-shame for a few moments of laziness. I like to refer to it as self- care. However, I will say, with all this time on my hands, the mind has wandered and the heart has extended to loved ones.
How could it not during a time of a world crisis? *COVID-19
Staying indoors has definitely shifted life not just for myself but for all of us. The world is not used to this pace, with only essentials open during a city lockdown and most of the population in quarantine. My online game has improved with everyone horny and working from home but my workouts have taken a turn with gyms closed and limiting outside exposure. Thank goodness I've been able to stay creative with mixing aerobics and body weight exercises together, plus 26 flight stair repeats in my building. Luckily programming workouts doesn't really feel too far from the normal routine and the movement has been very beneficial to the mind, body, and spirit during this chaotic moment in history.
Yes, I miss running and have had dreams of running through the bare street of Manhattan since I was a teenager. I just might have to do it before heading back to the Pacific Northwest. Though, I will say it's been nice to have all this time to apply rest & recovery to my Achilles tendonitis and plantar fasciitis. I'm trying to stay positive and I have a feeling that fall 2020 is going to be one of my strongest ultra running seasons yet!
In the meantime, quarantine thoughts cycle like; my children, the virus, my dog, the pandemic, exercise, do I have it?, friends & loved ones, stay home, I'm horny, COVID-19, focus on work, the lockdown, I'm horny, the world coming to an end, I'm horny, the world coming to an end, what to eat next?, the world coming to an end, does it smell like pot in here?, coronavirus, I'm horny, the world coming to an end, I need to turn the news off now, Is the world really coming to an end? REPEAT!
*giggles Ok not really. Only 20% of is anxious while the other 80% is remaining clam.
The strange daze have given me time to process the last year of my dating life. It's been tough to admit my hang-ups, for sure. I can see where I'm blocked. I even know how to remove the blocks. But not sure if I feel ready to. And that is real and really ok.
You see last winter, I met a man and the love we shared has largely altered my life. He's one of the reasons I push myself to write about my personal dating experience. I speak of our relationship in the first blog of "A Dating Mistress" series, followed with a messy blog entry of our break up. I'm not going to lie, when I released my dating blog, I was hopeful our relationship would have been the continued theme for my writings. Ha, oddly enough it has been, just not in the manner I had first predicted.
Since my last blog, I've realized that the reason why I'm not fully ready to dive deep in a personal relationship isn't fear of getting lost, it's because I'm just not ready. My heart still feels this man and grieves the loss of the partnership we once had. Duh, I knew this. I guess I just forgot for a second, till what would have been our year anniversary, popped up on the calendar to remind me of ALL the LOVE I still have for this human.
So, I sent a terrarium of succulents to celebrate the one year anniversary. That's what you do, right? At least, I ordered from my favorite florist in Portland Oregon Sammy's Flowers. I wrote a romantic card too! CARD SAID: "Today, a year ago we met and I've felt you with me every day since." Ok, It was just short and sweet but it spoke the truth. You see, I wear the watch he gave me daily, which makes me think of him a great deal more than not. Plus, I would like to believe I can still fell him, energetically, when he thinks of me.
In honor of the anniversary, I gifted a complementary 75-minute real-time session. I did my best to reach out without attachment and provide an opportunity with an open door. Not the easiest but a humbling practice.
I will say, our relationship was definitely one of a kind and one to mourn. It was as if we'd done it all before and just picked up where we left off. I appreciated our independent personalized style of approach to the partnership, how unique exploring our agreements were and the way we would insert one other into our lives. He has a lot of attributes I admired, a style I adored and a voice I will never forget. His willingness to please and let me lead us into something new with the unconventional lifestyle we were developing together, was absolutely delightful and a dream come true.
I experienced a very passionate and powerful energetic connection with this human. One I hadn't shared with a lover before. I even saw marriage with this man. Marrying a man, damn, that's something that hadn't crossed my mind since my 2nd husband proposed back in the early 2000's. But I felt like this Lover matched me well on many different levels (not just in the bedroom) and we were nothing but an asset in each others lives. The whole thing was like a dream come true and then It ended just as fast as it began with a plot twist that only he saw coming. Ouch. BUT The human behaviors have long been forgiven and the heart ONLY recalls love.
I can see much clearer now. I just haven't wanted to fully put in the work needed for a personal romantic partnership since our break up. Maybe I keep comparing the potential relationships to the one I had with him. Maybe I'm not ready yet. Maybe my standards have shifted after seeing what it's like to be a Goddess. Maybe the intense love between us is a love worth waiting for and not something that comes around that often, if at all for some. Maybe I'm afraid if I love big again, it might be wiped out from underneath me. Is this my way of holding myself back? Maybe. Or maybe I just need more time.
It's been a rather interesting road to My Someday...
Photo's by Me
*you can find more photographs by Me on My personal IG @MJ420Ultra
& My company Hard Point Pictures IG @HardPointErotic