Updated: Sep 12
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
As I adapt to my ever-developing relationship with myself, I'm finding comfort in being alone, evaluating my wants and needs not only for myself but in relationships with others. I know that I need more than the hot body and matching arousing genitals when it comes to my sexual desires. Sure it helps, a lot. But what I really need them to be able to do is eat pussy and eat it well. That's what I'm looking for. LOL! No, I mean yes but that's just one of many things I long for my personal lover to provide to the sexual collaboration.
In truth, I will never be alone. I have way too many interpersonal relationships in my life to say I'm without partnership, even if I refer to myself as single.
So, here's a big confession. I haven't received penetration-style sex since the transition from my last committed relationship. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not looking forward to the awkwardness of negotiating what kind of sex we're going to engage in and blah blah blah. I like the ease and authentic flow with sex which doesn't always happen right away with a new partner.
By no means does awkward equal bad, just awkward. And sometimes that can be disappointing.
I personally gave up bad sex in my early 20's and was never afraid to take charge when the other party can't get their shit together to provide a fantastic love-making session. Plus, I'll walk out on crappy sex with no regrets. It's just that the thought of a disappointing sexual experience is a total turn off for me right now. Obviously, enough to not allow a dick inside any of my pleasure zones right now. *giggle
I have used the title pansexual to give others a word to have a better understanding of my sexuality, but that's just one of many words that can be used to describe me. I personally relate with shapeshifter but I'm not really sure if that's necessarily a sexuality and maybe more of a sexual blueprint. I resinate well with demisexual, sapiosexual and queer. Queer is a word that took me some time to embrace. I know that was how the word was presented to me in the story growing up, and I needed to rewire my understanding and association with the term queer.
Deep down, I know I'm really a shapeshifter when it comes to my sexuality, my sexual blueprint and well... my overall human behaviors.
I enjoy and feel honored when I match the pace of my partners. I desire to feel sexually and personally fulfilled in my personal relationships to humans. I need the energetic, the sensual, and the sexual. And don't forget the kinky and taboo when it comes to sex! I need and want the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connection, too. Sure, I can play in one or two of these realms and feel content for a bit but that won't last. I need them all! I'm not sure if I've added up one hand the personal partners that have matched me as a shapeshifter.
Boy oh boy, when it does line up, sex is so mother-fucking out of this world amazeballs...
I know I am not the same person in every relationship. I mean of course the core me is there but you see, each relationship presents its own uniqueness that draws different aspects of me out. Not every relationship goes through the same life circumstances or even similar sexual or emotional involvement. The partnerships even grow and develop at different speeds. With any given relationship, processing and shifts are in every present moment, which plays in the larger picture.
I would like to think we are growing and learning from these experiences. And if that's the case, how are we ever going to be the exact same in a continuous evolving being in evert moment in the moving world around us. That's impossible! That's like asking me to compare my marriages. The only common denominator between my spouses was marrying me.
I can go on and on and on about this.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record, emphasizing that each relationship is so unique and the agreements between them are built with that in mind. No relationship is typical and there is no such thing as a one size fits all. I feel like I have plenty of knowledge in this because of the amount of interpersonal relationships I've created over my lifetime. Plus, I work with people very intimately in my practice. I'm forever learning from their complex relationships through the stories they share with me.
I know that my lifestyle can be seen by others as out of this world, but for me, it's my purpose. My calling, let's say, is interacting and teaching to be in relationship, not only with others but with self. I learn so much through others and their experiences. They help me to bond, adapt to the journey of life and continue to grow in the inner and external world.
Now how do I go about finding a mate to buddy up with if I'm not getting stimulated mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Mmmm, I don't for now, until I do and I'm ok with that. I'll keep doing what I'm doing. Which is me. And well, being the Mistress.
I'm currently and constantly redesigning myself, building a new career platform to transition into my next faze of sex work, training for my next race, Wild Woman 50k, preparing one child for their next adventure across the country while bonding with the other and their dog Po. It's not as scary as I first thought it was going to be. I'm embracing single life. Being alone is liberating.
However, not going to lie, from time to time, I do miss sharing my bed with a lover, a life partner, a true confidant.
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Photographs by Master Joshua of the Kink Collective in New York City, NY