"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
I am sad to report that my most recent love affair has come to a dramatic transition. I'm currently mourning the loss, embracing the roller coaster of emotions and reminding myself the pain will soon heal. I feel as if the relationship started with deception. At first, the other party made a decision to withhold valuable information, I'm sure it was innocent at the time while they were just trying to figure things out on their own, or possibly fear of disappointing, judgment or even abandonment.
However, as they got to know me, they could see I'm the type of person that wants the truth no matter what, because for me the truth is a lot easier to handle than someone sugar coating the situation and telling me what they think I want to hear. Telling someone what you think they want to hear is an assumption. Which never allows for a genuine response. In many ways, that is taking away someone's power.
Even though I chose to be transparent and authentic with them, they chose otherwise. Bummer, because I called them my partner, made future plans with them, put in a shit ton of emotional labor and now I am possibly losing a friend. I feel that with the other party withholding important details, we never really got to see the true potential of us. What I received from them was the essence of what a Goddess should be treated like, however, though unspoken, I was the Mistress all along. This was mother-fucking unpaid work, Yo!
I saw signs of the curbing. I asked questions when my intuition would kick in; they would reply with half answers that never really gave full clarity. In hindsight, I took this understanding as healing past pains from a former lover, since they did share with me they had a recent break-up.
Truth be told they had a lingering former relationship with a swing door and they were dating us both at one point. What the fuck, right? They knew I was non-monogamous, and yes, it was an upsetting truth and awkward as hell to walk in on.
Ha! Yes I literally walked in on him with her.
I still refrain from judging this person. They seem to be operating like most of society, lacking self awareness, difficultly identifying emotions, clarifying needs, and honestly expressing them with emotional intelligence to get what they want. So, no big surprise. Not a lot of people are taught self awareness, how to identify emotions and clearly state their needs. I found *Non-Violent Communication one of many tools to be helpful to gain such skills.
Of course I feel a little silly seeing the signs while continuing to look through my rose-colored glasses and thinking that this person was matching me on my level of honesty and openness. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I, too, am human, and I, too, don't always listen to my gut. If they could have shared the truth from the beginning that I was, indeed, the other woman, I would not have adopted the term "Goddess", as they chose to call me, nor felt her presence deeply when they said it and when they were near.
They missed out on a very special gift of mine, which is being the Mistress. My whole life, I've been the Mistress. I love being the fucking Mistress. Plus, they didn't know: I am the type of Mistress that receives a lot of pleasure from facilitating and assistance in all relationships. Especially the relationships surrounding the current one/ones I'm having. Remember I love lovers loving.
Let me tell you, it's not an easy job being the other woman but for some reason, I am so good at it that most of the time I feel honored to be the Mistress. I'm the chosen one. I fulfill their dirty little fantasies and I am the key holder to their secrets. Of course, I'm sure that most of them are ashamed of admitting they visit on a regular basis because it's just too taboo. (Thank goodness I like taboo.) All while they go about living a straight life, mostly doing it with a significant other, making me the Mistress.
I, by no means, feel like I am transitioning in this relationship empty-handed. If anything, I've moved forward from this experience much better than when I signed up for it which has caused many reasons why I feel this way. I gained more insight and wisdom on who I am and how I want to live my life. I developed more confidence, removed personal blocks, improved my self awareness and self worth and got to experience a one-of-a-kind, deep passionate love. Just to name a few.
It's nice to know I gave the relationship my true authentic self, in every moment. Which feels really rad to know that I am able to be me, with no negative associations arising for me while in connection with others. It's awesome to be that comfortable, that free and safe within myself to let others witness the real me. This experience only encourages me to continue to show the true me to the world!
For some reason most of us humans can be really hard on ourselves about who we really are and fear we aren't ever good enough or whatever the criticism may be. Our culture shames us for not fitting in and places judgments for following the herd. Damned if we do and damned if we don't. No wonder why the world is so mentally, physically and emotional ill. I believe all we are really wanting is to be loved, understood and be seen.
This person showed me what it looks like to be worshiped like a Goddess when we were in deep intimate moments. In day to day moments, I was a Goddess. This person attended to my every need with or w/o me verbalizing my wants or desires. It was a new feeling for me. Mind-blowing! To just take down all the barriers and be that vulnerable with another human begin and allow worthiness. So, now that I've tested what it's like to be the Goddess, I am embracing her within me. I now know I am worthy of that level of worship.
To be honest, I'm a pretty independent woman. I am very happy fulfilling my own needs. I ask for very little and when I do have needs, I make them very clear, so there's no guess work.
I will say that I'm really proud of myself in the regards to a list I made: * My ideal way I want to be in a partnership and how well I stuck to it with this relationship. I really felt like I got to practice the best version of me with them, and I liked it! I look forward to doing it more. Maybe that's all this love affair was: a practice run. I did learn a lot.
Something tells me I'm not done learning from this human. The chemistry between us is raw and real. We share a unique collective energy that's serene and full of freedom. It's unlike any other connection I've shared. Plus there's always hindsight, which can show us missed lessons to help us grow.
We are in transition. We are processing. Decisions will eventually be made along the way with lots of maybes in-between as there is re-evaluation of wants, needs and desires for how we want to go about our lives.
Maybe it will be more comfortable for them to continue down the only path they've ever known. Maybe they are scared of the change. Or, maybe, whatever the possibilities may be, I hope I gave them inspiration to seek who they are because that's what happening for me. Maybe I'm not the right fit for a lover but maybe I fit well as a friend or Mistress. Maybe being with me means they need to own their shit and put in the effort because they know I'm worthy of being a Goddess 100% of the time. And maybe they just aren't ready for such a task or maybe lack the skills. Maybe they'll show up at my door next month, next year. Or maybe they'll just disappear...
Whatever the maybe may be, I know they are just maybes.
I don't hold any hard feels. I wish them luck on their journey with self-growth and discovery. I'd like to think I'm a bit of inspiration for them because I know they are for me. It takes effort and self-awareness to make successful changes. There are two things most people do not value or seek to have skills in: Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence. If we all put forth a bit of effort toward these two things, sprinkled with some Self-Healing (Emotional, Mental, Spiritual, Energetic etc..), just think about how different our world would be if we were all doing our own emotional labor. Self-healing might be the way to a true revolution. So, on that note I'm going to continue to do my self work and hold space for MY "someday"...
* My ideal way I want to be in a Partnership
- Independent & Build Inter-Dependence
- Non-Judgmental
- Supportive
- Maintains Healthy Boundaries & Attachments
- Confident & Secure in the Partnership
- Emotional Intelligence & Awareness
- Maintain Self Care Rituals & Stay True to Self
- Adaptable
- Passionate about the Relationship
- Willingness to Grow
- Inspired & Inspiring to One Another
- Take Ownership of Self
- Offer Transparent Healthy Communication
- A Friend
- Openness to Go Deep
- Attentive Listener
- Keep Reality Reality and Keep Fantasy Fantasy
Photos By Seattle, WA Photographer Hoyt Kopeke Photography & HoytPhotos on IG