A Dating Mistress: Winter 2019
Updated: Mar 30
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
I've never really been a traditional dater nor have I ever had conventional relationships. I've never really preferred one gender over the other nor one specific style of sexual intimacy and none of my partners even come close to resembling one another in any way shape or form. I was a kinkster/BDSM life-stylist before I even had the language for such a thing and "monogamy"? Well that's a total joke for me to ever offer anyone. I tried it once and that experience alone pretty much solidified my belief that non-monogamy fits my personality much better. I am the type of person that loves lovers loving.
I really enjoy building partnerships and as such have experienced many diverse relationship styles from which I've observed the vast uniqueness of humanity. It has brought me to truths like the fact that there is no such thing as a "one size fits all partner/partnership" and that a contract for the relationship needs to be established between the involved parties for everyone to have a mutually shared experience. I receive much pleasure from the pursuit of understanding and connecting to humans on all levels, sharing their processes, and creating inter-dependence. For me, love is a very rewarding and highly motivating.
I grow up in a home that, like most of the population, that showed me what co-dependence really was, which ultimately exposed me to toxic power dynamics and abuse. However, this by no means ruined my childhood. I got to live in a loving, breathing community where you also see the make-ups after the fights, experience brazenly transparent communication, and got to be part of supporting real adult day to day life. Naturally I took these learned behaviors into my first few relationships without regrets and developed healthier attachments and better communication skills over time. With practice, I evolved and hope to continue evolving.
For some people, dating comes easy but for most, its work. Some of you many already know that this last summer I cleaned out my stables, eliminating all of my personal relationships including my live-in partner. Since then, I've been sprucing up the stables, healing, blossoming and even dating. Being the busy Mistress that I am, I decided to try online dating but I knew that OKCupid and Tinder were not for me. So I looked at alternative online dating sites/Apps like Seeking Arrangements and KinkD where I found that just like any other dating site, you have to weed through the bullshit to find the gems.
However, I will say I appreciate the business like approach and transparency that both of these platforms offer. I know I can be a hard pitch to 80% of the population, and I'm sure it's a bit overwhelming for a date to hear that I am a highly independent, non-monogamous, middle aged pot smoking, pansexual, activist, sexworker, living a 24/7 BDSM lifestyle, a parent of 2 love children, divorced 3 times, estranged from birth family, spends more then 30 hours a week on an endurance sport, and to top it off, a sadomasochist that goes beyond sexual gratification. Oh P.S., I'm also clairvoyant. What?! Yep.
That is definitely a mouth full.
In my practice, I've learned that winter in the North is a time to dream and to do vision quests. It's a way to manifest and goal set for the Spring to bring the ideas to life. This being a tradition of mine, I put in the work: 5 days a week of meditation, oracle cards, a dietary fast, daily yoga, sauna, more sauna etc. and then topped it off with a much need dose of Psilocybin Mushrooms (aka magic mushrooms). Somewhere in the journey, I decided to put together a list of my ideal romantic partner, then shortly realized that wasn't the approach I wanted to take. I wanted to focus on self not others and made a list of how "I" want to be in my relationships/partnerships.
* Independent & Build Inter-Dependence
* Maintains Healthy Boundaries & Attachments
* Confident & Secure in the Partnership
* Emotional Intelligence & Awareness
* Maintain Self Care Rituals & Stay True to Self
* Passionate about the Relationship
* Willingness to Grow
* Inspired & Inspiring to One Another
* Take Ownership of Self
* Offer Transparent Healthy Communication
* A Friend
* Openness to Go Deep
* Attentive Listener
* Keep Reality Reality and Keep Fantasy Fantasy
Looking back into the work I've done I've seen some great results. I also realized that my list can be applied to all the partnerships I want to build in my life, not just the romantic ones. I've recently taken on a new mentee, a new business partner, and a new personal romantic relationship, all of course in a consensual BDSM dynamic. I've approached all these new partnerships as a business deal. Yes, even the romantic partner.
It makes complete sense to me to view a personal relationships like a successful business. We as humans often put so much effort and energy into the success of our business relationships and then let the personal ones operate on auto pilot. I want to see all my relationships succeed and evolve, not just the ones that prosper financially. Our time is where the real value is.
A personal note I wrote to my new personal romantic BDSM relationship
"Welcome to the beginning of the end. Yes, we will eventually part, either through life circumstances, a break up, or maybe even death. With us knowing that there will eventually be an end, will it change how we go about our relationship? Maybe we could try to put emphasis and effort into enjoying the journey, no matter what it may be and choose to be present with each other in the process with appropriate check in's along the way. Want to try this with me?"
- Your Goddess
** Photographs done in New York City January 2019 By Sezen Tezic