"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like a lot has gone on in the last 4 months. I know it seems foolish of me to think that my love life is a good subject to write about right now. I mean, what a fucking selfish thing to think about but here I am. Duh, of course a big part of me is wrapped up with the current world events (how could they not be) and the other part is just trying to live. There's this deep collative energy that is vibrating JUSTICE with the #BlackLivesMatter movement, all right in the middle of a global pandemic with Covid19. The events of 2020 are making some major history and I am honestly thrilled to be alive for it. AND I will end this paragraph with a BIG #Fucktrump
Like many during these stranger dazes, I've been dealing with the ups and downs that life has been giving me. As an Empath I definitely need to remain balanced and try not to soak up all the emotional energies that are surrounding me. A routine and heavy doses of meditation help. It's funny to think that this pandemic has forced many of us humans into a position to focus on #selfwork and do some uncomfortable growing. In many ways I enjoy change, personal development and awkward moments but it seems so difficult to do it when you're not ready. As I stated in my last blog, I wasn't ready to work on the recovery from my broken heart.
Boy oh boy, quarantine said other wise.
*Side note, I like the fact I've been able to hear the birds lately outside my Manhattan apartment and the views into my community's windows have kept my inner house cat entertained. However, I hate to admit it, but not much has changed for me in my Portland home, other than I'm on mom duty 24/7 with online schooling and summer on its way.
The traveling back and forth between coasts didn't come without consequences and my doctor at Portland Clinic of Holistic Health, presumes I got Covid19. The exposure happened early in the discovery of the virus in the United States. Yes, of course I followed the rapidly changing guidelines that my doctor was giving me at the time I contracted the virus. I can totally see how people would ignore the signs and symptoms or not even notice them. I didn't even really notice them at first. I feel like I wrote off some of clues because of my training load and traveling at the time. So, I completely understand someone being asymptotic or lightly affected just thinking its sinus issues, up set stomach or dehydration etc. And with what I've gone through, I can also see how this illness can result in death for some.
There was an array of signs, symptoms, and layers of the illness that went on for weeks with residual symptoms throughout the following months. I recall it starting with ear pain that would radiate down my neck into my lungs and a tension headache that never let up. I lost track of days and not really sure how it progressed from there other than it did. In no particular order I experienced; body aches, nausea, upset bowels, loose stool, fever, dry cough, headaches, ear aches, lose of smell and taste, chills, night sweats, sinus congestion, chest pain, lung pain, runny nose, sneezing, eye pain, sore throat, swollen lymph nodes, bowel irritation, fatigue, wet cough, anxiety, depression, cognitive and neuropathy issues. AND It came and went in waves.
Unfortunately, I was not able to get tested in the height of the symptoms and currently am waiting for the testing process to advance. This is not a poor man illness and I have personally invested thousands of dollars into testing, treatment and recovery. I really hope that this pandemic is eye opening to the massive change the United States needs in the healthcare system. It was heartbreaking when I was a healthcare worker as a CNA and it's beyond devastating to see how the system has numerously failed during this world wide #coronavirus outbreak.
I was grateful to be alone while I was sick, even though I missed my children and my bed. AND of course it sucked during those really dark moments of sickness to be alone. BUT by no means did I want to spread the illness. So, I knew I was doing the right thing by isolating myself. With my body in recovery mode, I've had to back off my ultra running training. The one race I did have on my schedule this year, got canceled. So, I have decided to take the season off and just work on bettering my training without necessarily putting in the long miles. (Don't worry I'm still running just not 60 miles a week more like 30.)
I'm also re-reading a few of my favorite books; Roar How to match your food and fitness to your female physiology for optimum performance, good health and strong, lean body for life by Stacy T. Sims, PhD. Seriously, a game changer! Running Rewire Reinvent your run for stability, strength & speed by Jay Dicharry and Recipes & Diet Advice for Endometriosis Comprehensive diet and nutrition advice to help reduce the pain and symptoms of Endometriosis by Carolyn Levett.
No, I don't find it odd that I'm re-reading books on diet, exercise and performance. They are big passions of mine and I have this weird obsession with operating my meat suit like a machine. Plus, I know when I'm taking care of my internal environment, I'm a better human in the external world and function with more ease in the universe around me. Love and of course all things sex ARE also towards the top of my passion list but are a bit challenging to engage in during a time of social distancing.
Which honestly hasn't been all that difficult for me. I'm already an isolated person and enjoy my alone time. I'm not necessarily an introvert but more of an ambivert. AND when I think about it, sharing myself sexually with a personal lover right now isn't what my spirit needs. I'm taking this time to grieve from my past lover (the one I speak of in my first blog and in my blog before this one) and I'm trying not to disassociate or mask the pain. Really allowing myself to feel it and heal it.
OKAY! I've also been, playing the 'Maybe Game'. It's a lot like the 'What if Game' but with "maybes". It goes a lot like this;
Maybe he's still with his ex. Maybe he's single. Maybe he's with someone new, (whichever it is, I hope he is happy). Maybe he's not in a relationship and thinks about me often. Maybe he is beside himself on how to proceed. Maybe he doesn't give a shit and totally moved on. Maybe thoughts of our kinky times still arouse him and maybe he still jerks off to me. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he know's I would allow space for him to live his authentic self and that is too scary for him. Maybe he doesn't care what I can offer and has pushed me so far out of the mind that I am dead to him. AND Maybe it wasn't meant to be. BUT Maybe, our energetic fields really are intertwining and we are twin-flames. Maybe we are thinking of each other at the same time. Maybe we visit each other in our dreams. Maybe the magnetic pull I feel in my body to him is real (it does sometimes feels like we're subconsciously doing each others emotional labor. Super interesting feeling too). Maybe I should stop playing this "maybe" game. Even if it is raw and real, it begins to feel like a bunch of back and forth rubbish and non consensual mind fuckery.
So, besides the continuous healing of my heartache, self improvement projects and being a full time mother of two children and now two teacup schnauzer pups, I'm doing my best with all this time on my hands. Obviously like most, my work load has shifted over the last few months and so has the income. We've been spending a great deal of time entertaining ourselves with social media (the devil), art projects, the news (also the devil), walks with the pups, shopping for a new watch (but hard to justify getting a new watch when the one I have works perfectly fine and is just a daily reminder of my ex), working online, house projects, long drives in my newly purchased 1975 Chevy Nova SS, watching influential and informative documentaries like; 13th and having conversations with my kids around the Black Lives Matter protesting.
*This is one of the largest civil rights movements to date and I find importance in being involved in any capacity I can with remaining safe as one can in the current environment.
I will say, that my last blog was very helpful to write and re-read. The crying alone and talking with friends about my breaking heart have eased some of the pain, and I'm thinking about going back to counseling. You see, I've been grieving this break up and fighting with depression for the last FUCKING year. Time to find an outside source to help facilitate the healing process.
Hindsight has showed me that the love I shared with my ex was/is real, a one of a kind LOVE that's worth waiting for AND it's ok to take all the time I need to heal because it hurts more and can show up as anxiety, depression or self deprivation when I neglect essential healing and self work.
With that said, I'm going to continue to evolve and focus on the next re-design of me. I'm in need of some BIG self evolution. Which, I'm sure this means an updated website coming soon.
*winky face
Black Lives Matter: Recommended Documentaries & Books can be found HERE
Support & Help Black Owned Small Businesses HERE
Photo's By Greg Gorman IG @2g_photography January 2020 in my favorite American city #NewYorkCity