"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
I recently realized, while out on a run, that I'm blocking Myself from new opportunities in LOVE. I feel like I've been resisting potential suitors because I fear the painful side that comes with love and dating. OR maybe I'm so overloaded with grief from all the life shifts over the last three years (more like 40+ years) of My life. All those micro tower moments of change in life can add up. We forget how habit forming we humans are and a lot of people fear the unknown when it comes to change. I'm not excluded from this tendency.
Speaking of change, My body is going through its own transitions as I enter into My 40s. Since I'm taking some time off from intense training from ultra running, I've decided that it's time for an overdue
surgery. This winter I'm hoping to get a hysterectomy. However, it all comes down to insurance approval and if surgery centers will be available durning the rise in the Covid-19 pandemic.
This hysterectomy should eliminate My discomfort with Endometriosis. I have no intention to have more children, even though I've always seen myself with three children and do feel like I would make a way better parent starting out in My 40s (instead of at the age of 19) mentally, emotionally, and even physically (being an athlete). Right before the pandemic, I fantasized about becoming a surrogate mother for the experience of being pregnant again AND for the money. Not only the money from carrying the baby, but the money I would make on the side exploiting My pregnancy through fetish erotica.
Okay, so a few things are unrealistic about that fantasy. First, I'm too old for the program. The other, is that Endometriosis causes infertility and difficulties carrying pregnancy to full term. Yes, I have two live births, but it took 13 pregnancies to achieve that outcome. I've had 10 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy along the way. On top of that, at the age of seven, I had a freak accident where I fell right on My crotch and literally split My cervix and uterus in half. The doctors told Me it was going to be difficult to carry an embryo to full term due to the internal damage.
So yeah, My two children are miracle babies and major blessings in My life. I feel like they very much wanted to come into this world regardless of the hassle My body, mind and spirit had to go through to assist with their conceptions, births and parenting them to date.
I wrote that as if it was nothing, but it was definitely something. My pregnancies (and Endo diagnosis) are/were big moments in My life that caused numerous incidences of trauma and anxiety over the last 25 years, that resulted in depression and stress along My journey. I would like to think most people know that big traumas usually cause Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Well, guess what? Regular minor traumas do, too. Imagine that. *eye roll*
I know I've mentioned this book in the past but I think it's relevant to bring it up again. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker (view HERE)
Summer is My favorite time of year, and saying goodbye is always bittersweet. I also like boot season, and I have a closet full of them, that have been screaming My name as we move into this warm/chilly fall-ish transitional weather in the Northern hemisphere. AND yes, I am a Mistress with a shoe/foot fetish. I own 18 pairs of boots and counting!
By the way, I'm really looking forward to having two homes on opposite coasts with closets to outfit. I plan on being more strategic when selecting My East Coast wardrobe. Plus the New York closets (I have two) won't take much. Manhattan is notorious for having small or non-existent closets. I really feel like clothes have to be appropriate for the environment and culture. Only New York City can handle some pieces in My wardrobe. Sorry not sorry Portland -- your chic style is slacking. Geographic location plays a huge roll in the daily costume.
My children and I are getting into the groove of My West Coast and East Coast lifestyle. They're waiting to visit New York City this winter when they both have time off from work and school. It seems like the three of us are appreciating each other more and making an effort to really connect when we're together now. I've noticed the growth we've all gone through over the last 18 months. AND it's beautiful.
Speaking of beautiful growth, My tattoo collection is accumulating nicely. I know, My photos are not up to date with My bodywork in this blog. My female submissive sweet violet is working on finding Me a list of female photographers and queer, kinky friendly makeup and hair artists. So, yeah new pictures coming soon! *fingers crossed*
It's really been the year of the tattoos. I've been getting work done at least once a month, if not every other week. I'm spending a good amount of time at the Rosewater Tattoo shop in Portland, Oregon and the Lifetime Tattoo shop in Springfield, Oregon. Getting tattooed feels like some sort of initiation into a club of some sort. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one with this feeling. Anyways, as I cover prime real estate, like My back, right leg, and stomach, I daydream about the body parts that show with clothing on, like My hands, knuckles and neck.
I'm thinking about retiring the mohawk. I know, it's been a signature of My edgy style for a minute now. BUT don't worry, I'm pretty sure My hair will transition into another alternative hairstyle that I can somehow pull off. Or, maybe I'll shave my head bald and grow out My hair through variations of pixie haircuts. Whatever I decide, I doubt it will be ugly. Maybe awkward in between haircuts/grow outs, but never ugly.
I don't know about anyone else but I've been sleeping so much this summer. I just can't get enough. It even feels like I'm working out a lot of shit in My dream state, too. Like I made a deal or contract with a few ex-lovers, where we visit each other in our dreams or astral project into the 5th, 7th, 9th etc. dimension to work out past conflicts.
That's fine with Me. It's as if I'm processing and getting rid of old relationship rubbish.
AND I'm doing it through My dreams rather than in My waking hours. Every so often I might get a flashback of a dream, BUT I haven't put much emphasis in finding out the interpretation behind the symbols in the dreams. I did get a dream journal and a dream dictionary. I even put them by My bed. BUT, we'll see if I go any further than that.
The frequent napping could be happening because I smoke so much pot and get sleepy. OR because I live in two different time zones and My body needs more rest with all the travel. OR because I'm just getting older and need more rest period. Whatever the cause, I'm sure My diet of pizza and ice cream isn't helping. It's true. AND, too bad that both cities I live in are fantastic for both food groups.
My favorite pie shops in Portland, Oregon right now are: Baby Doll Pizza & Cibo
Favorite ice cream shops: The Cookie Dough Cafe & Salt and Straw
My favorite pizzeria in New York City right now is: Joe's Pizza
Favorite NYC creamery: Holey Cream
I have the best manicurist in New York City. She's bossy and dominating. No wonder why I think she's the best. I've been with her for almost two years now. AND, not once has she let Me pick My color. Ok, maybe once, but it was the color black and it was early in our relationship. Her studio is in Manhattan on East 43rd Street. She's Russian, so yeah sure you might think that maybe the language barrier is the reason why I don't get the color I want. BUT no, it's because she's the boss when I'm at her station.
I really think she's a colorist and/or specializes in this shit. I must have been picking out colors that didn't go with My skin tone and/or season. I didn't get it until this summer when I pointed to a shade of red AND confidently said: "That one." In her thick rich Russian/English dialect, she flat out replied: "No. That is winter." She then proceeded to paint My nails with whatever color she thought was suitable. She did pick a shade of red and yes, it was very flattering.
Ha! I just recalled the last time I asked for black fingernail polish, she painted my nails navy blue. Which looked black indoors but blue in the sunlight. I wasn't mad though. *giggle*
Update on New York City Poker Dealer
Okay. So, I thought about making a "Pros and Cons List" on the poker player from My last blog. (Read HERE). BUT fuck what if he reads My blogs. Of course I scratched that idea, even though he informed Me that he hasn't read My blog and would rather experience Me in real time. Smooth talker, I know.
This man has provided a few things to our connection this far. I also will add that I still feel skeptical. I'm sure that's just My own fear and Me resisting the pain part that is delicately intertwined with the pleasure part of love. BUT, I don't rule out it being My intuition either. EeeKkk! Navigating dating and relationships is a constant balancing act between the mind, body and spirit. AND, when off balance, it can really take you from the present moment.
One of the main things I like about the poker player is that he speaks My language of conscious transactions (link at bottom on Conscious Transaction). I don't think he even knows he does it, either. It's more of a "business" style approach to connecting with others. AND well, I understand this language. The other big turn on about the guy (other than he doesn't give a flying fuck about what I do for a living) is that he seems to be comfortable with who he is and not afraid to show his authentic self. Oh yeah, and his emotional side. *Mmmmm soooooooo HOT!
I have no clue if we'll evolve into anything. I'm just trying to put the skepticism to the side, allow My intuition to guide Me, remain open to a mutual give-and-take partnership/connection (by being Consciously Transactional), stay balanced within Myself, exist in the present moment, and not form attachments. You know, be Buddha and shit.
Side Note: According to Buddha, the basic cause of suffering is: "the attachment to the desire to have (craving) and the desire not to have (aversion)". All of us have desires and cravings. When we yield into our desires, we become a slave to them. In other words, Buddha said that “the root of suffering is attachment.” I spent the first half of My life suffering, and I am choosing a different path for the later part of this life.
Sad to announce, I will not be partaking in My annual European tour this fall. I was definitely looking forward to it, BUT I'm hanging back one more year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Spring of '22 is a possibility, so I'm holding space for then. However, I plan to ride the winter out before making any plans. I'm a bit curious to see what the world looks like through the COVID Vaccine Wars and what the aftershock/math may leave behind.
Ugh, AND who really knows what Spring of '22 will even look like yet in the COVID evolution?!?! I'm just crossing My fingers we don't back side and start marking the unvaccinated with stars on their clothes. Mmmmmm, Remind you of something? *scowl
I'm not too butt hurt about My decision to cancel My overseas travels. I feel like I have other things and stuff to keep Me busy here in America. I mean, I will be closing on the purchase of My Upper East Side Manhattan condo this fall. I'll need to decorate and fill it with appropriate work gear. Plus I'm preparing for surgery this winter. So yeah, I'm cool with postponing Europe, once again. No, I'm not really, BUT I will be. *side smile*
I know I'm not the only parent saying this right now. BUT, here goes: I am happy about My child going back to on-campus learning. Holy cow! Living, working and schooling from the house was a fucking lot. I really didn't notice how much it was until the return to school before Labor Day weekend when they left the house for multiple days in a row. By no means do I have difficult children. It's just, that I know, that I should not be the only one that influences their lives. Hello! It takes a tribe/village/community to raise a child/children.
Don't get Me wrong, I loved the time I got to connect with My children during quarantine. We really had fun growing together and we deepened our bond. It's just really nice to have My Portland "office" back during business hours. Now, I can work on a more regular basis. Plus, it's great to see My child thrive with all the social interaction outside their home, now that they are back on school grounds and out of lockdown.
I know you can't have growth without change and change without growth. So, lift your glasses to growing with the changes AND changes with the growth!
Cheers!
The Album of the Season: Urban Flora by Alina Baraz & Galimatias - (Listen HERE)
Article: "Why Attachment Causes Suffering" by Hackspirit (Read HERE)
Video on Conscious Transactions: Be Consciously Transactional. Why Every Relationship Is Transactional by Teal Swan (Watch HERE)
Video on Buddhism: The Four Noble Truths Explained by Inch by Inch Stories (Watch HERE)
Photographs taken in Portland, Oregon December 2020