Updated: Sep 12
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
This year's rainy Summer Solstice theme was calling in #LOVE and letting go of the past. Unlike last year, I didn't host a gathering this season change. BUT I did celebrate with my two children. We practiced our seasonal rituals and traditions over a fresh vegan meal. When cleaning up from the night, we made a commitment to break old patterns and end the cycle of family abuse. BIG THINGS HAPPENING!
Next we made a decision to change our last name to unify our cat pack. Then I gifted each kid a leather cuff with their own lock and set of 3 keys, while I kept the matching collar with lock and a set of 3 keys. (The real deal too. Not that fast fashion main stream shit. Got them custom made at House of Wolfram.) We had an age appropriate conversation about domination and submission. I shared my theory about the ultimate D/s & M/s experience, when you're able to find balance within to know when to dominate and/or submit to yourself. I proceeded with telling them that color coding/flagging is a thing in the BDSM sub-culture and to make sure to do research before marking themselves; left dominant and right submissive. AND OF COURSE they already know that this lifestyle goes way beyond "sex" with a deeper spiritual meaning to the life I live.
As for some personal intentions, I've called in my divine Goddess, sacred love and support with ever continuing evolution.
Building up to the #summersolstice, I sent my ex, the one I speak of so often in my blogs, a few vinyl records of a some female vocalists I thought he would like along with a song I sang and recorded. Then wrote him a love letter. I sent the "love letter" through text and not really sure if I would call it a love letter either. Plus he sent the vinyl back. Ugh, I know! Embarrassing! I'm totally beside myself. *blush If returning a gift isn't making a statement, I'm not sure what is. Oh well, I'm human. I did it and I can't go back, only forward and I'll get over it.
The gifting and texting felt a lot like a chase or a hunt of some kind shortly after I did it. OK! Yep, I'm aware that it is... Segway into, I've been working on surrendering and letting go of things I cannot control. I can say, I'm defiantly putting in the effort and by no means is it getting mother fucking unnoticed. I know it's working because my spirit feels it. My mood is lifted and I actually look happy. However I know the self work is far from over and is an ongoing life practice till death do me in.
With that said, I've been having some tough conversations with myself these days in regards to identifying negative patterns, understanding learned behaviors, and how to reprogram them. I'm trying my hardest to remain honest but there's been some uncomfortable moments where I've called BS on myself. Definitely when it comes to self love and self worth, which are two things I've always struggled with.
What is it, you ask that I am doing to facilitate healing??? WELL, raising my vibrations by practicing Kundalini meditation, balancing my #chakras with energy work, and listening to my guides. I'm soul traveling with divine love. I'm receiving the plant medicine with obviously marijuana, micro-dosing psilocybin (AKA magic mushrooms) and DMT. Which ALL are fantastic ways to rewire the human brain, have deeper understanding of purpose and formulate new thought patterns. I'm actively daydreaming about leveling up and mature love. I'm staying in a routine with healthy eating, regular exercise and a bedtime that allows me at least 8-9 hours of sleep each night. I'm not holding my breath and pretending to die. I'm breathing.
I'm moving my body with yoga and dancing!
I'm re-shifting my services to better fit my next chapter of #sexwork. I'm wanting to offer more health, healing and guidance to my community. I'm designing a more balanced work/play life for myself. I'm abstaining from sexual intercourse. I'm energetically clearing out my body from past lovers, repairing it from sexual trauma and preparing it for my next relationship. (I heard somewhere that the body carries the memories of sexual partners for 7 years.) It's not too hard to be celibate from penetration right now, for many reason besides quarantine definitely playing a helping hand. Honestly, I just haven't been having much intercourse since "The Break Up".
Even though I practice ethical non-monogamy and help others navigate open relationships, when I'm deeply committed, especially when it's a diverse fulfilling courtship, my vagina can't handle multiple partners penetrating it. I'm extremely sensitive not only physically due to Endometriosis but also energetically being an Empath. Don't get me wrong, I love all things sex or I would have not of made a career out of it. I've just learned along the way, that I can only process so much through my pussy.
Oh yes, the kitty between my legs. She's such an animal these days and I'm soooooo getting in touch with her (again *eye roll). It wasn't easy at first. I just had other stuff on my mind. Then as things eased in my life and my heart, I started feeling horny again. I was ecstatic to finally be able to embrace my ever fluid kinky queer freaky ways. I'm welcoming it with fantasy and touch through creative thought and masturbation. Don't worry, I'm taking notes for future production projects. Oh yeah, I'm also exploring new partnerships with my production company Hard Point Pictures. This time I'm looking at putting together an all female crew.
For more sustaining and complex acts, I'm writing through the process of redesigning my beliefs and releasing insecurity, codependency, ego, unworthiness, depression, separation from my true self and separation from my sacred love. I'm performing rituals to sever cords and cutting ties with my mother. Even though I've divorced my family years ago, I never closed the door in the spirit realm . Burning the bridges has been long overdue. You see, my mother and my family dynamics is where I've identified a lot of my programming of unworthiness, and that I'm unlovable stems from since my childhood. PS I was raised by a mentally ill, narcissistic, abusive, alcoholic, in your face brute mother.
OH! By the way, I'M OVER IT! *winky face. PS I secretly enjoy killing my ego. AWWWW It feels so good inside and soooo liberating...
I'm putting emphasis on less screen time (especially the news and social media), more reading, hot tubbing, long saunas, writing, perusing local real-estate (silly pass time), and half assing Italian on duolingo. I even looked into AA meetings in the area. I'm going into my 4th year sober and with all the depression I've been dealing with this last year, I've found my cravings for alcohol have increased.
MMMMM #Selfsabotage? I think so.
Which leads me into the many other things I'm doing for my mind, body and soul. I really don't want to fall down a rabbit hole of kicking the shit out of myself on this forever journey of self improvement. That's the negative behavior I'm trying to eliminate.
Plus, I've learned to play with my sadomasochist in much healthier ways.
It's as if I'm traveling the road of who I think I am and who I can be and there's no road maps. Of course there's not! There's just no way to track that blue and lonely section of highway. There are no maps for change. Just keep driving, in hopes to come out the other side.
Speaking of driving, I'm enjoying every minute with my newly purchased classic car. I've had a few vintage babies in my past; 1959 Ford Falcon, a mint green 1970 Ford Galaxie 500 and a 1965 vespa scooter and I've always secretly wanted a muscle car or a pony like a 69' Shelby mustang.
So I got one!
My black 1975 Chevy Nova SS purrs like a big cat and every time I turn her on, she returns the favor. Mmm yummy, I just can't get enough. If you couldn't tell, I've totally got a thing for classic cars and I decided to make her my daily driver. Which has inspired me to look into hands-on mechanic training for classic cars. Not only for maintenance for her but that way, one of these days I will be able to fulfill my dreams of rebuilding a 1949 Mercury Coupe. PS A motorcycle is next!
I'm noticing that listening to music has been super beneficial lately. It really vibrates my heart and helps ease the brain from all it's healing (and over thinking). Which perks my interest to go back to voice lessons and provoked picking up Italian language learning again. I'm not too surprised because I consider my voice my heart instrument and I'm healing my heart right now. So, for shits and giggles I'v been writing some lyrics, day dreaming of that album I hope to record, and imagining myself singing throughout Italy some day along my foot or motorcycle travels.
I've even started listening to music during my runs again. Something I gave up back in 2017 while I was training for Bigfoot 200 mile ultramarathon. It's like the music is speaking through the souls of my feet and giving the earth a moving prayer. GOD! I love running!
Even though I might not be accumulating a lot of running miles each week in this phase of training, running is something that's always on my mind. Like ALL the time. Somewhere in my brain, is #running. It's beyond a hobby and feels as if it's a deep purpose of mine. I'm a messenger of some sorts and I have a message I need to release. (Maybe it's a message that heals). So anyways, I bought a road atlas and am starting looking up routes that are options to run across the United States of America. Visualization and preparation is key for such an adventure.
Randomly I'll a have a moment or two like this: "WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO LOVE A FREAK LIKE ME?!" Then I breathe releasing the negative self-talk and quickly provide reassuring affirmations.
Besides all the physical stuff and soul work I'm doing and trying my best to keeping the self doubt at bay, I'm also asking myself some rugged questions. I feel like with a little help from my angel friends, I've been able to hold truth and integrity with myself and planning to keep it that way. I'll spare you the messy A to Z BUT here are some of the questions I visited;
How will I shift my mindset and change my inner dialogue? What are my deepest fears holding me back from self love? How to change my story and my language to achieve self love and the sacred union I am worthy of? How can I build a strong foundation and live my truth? How can I prevent future self sabotage? How to return to my natural #Goddess? Add "with love" behind each question.
Side Note: My Goddess name is Artemis. If you know and follow Greek mythology, then you may know her story. I feel it's a pretty suiting Goddess for me.
I've been dealing with a headache off and on throughout this portion of the healing process. I read in Louise Hayes book Heal Your Body, that when we experience headaches our emotional self is telling us we are invalidating the self, self-criticism and fear. A good affirmation would be "I love and approve of myself. I see myself and what I do with eyes of love. I am safe." I found that the headaches let up as soon as I was able to really actively LOVE myself. Look Louise Hayes up! I really enjoy her work and feel like I've gained great wisdom reading any and all of her books.
Besides self guidance, I've reached out to others since my last blog. I've been talking and meeting with a handful of healers for guidance over the last few weeks. Getting hands on healing, psychic readings, past life clearings, talk therapy and so on. Of course I know I have the skill set to provide all these styles of treatments but sometimes a healer needs other healers, like a therapist needs therapy. You see my visions and intuition have been blurred and scattered. What can I say, it sometimes gets hazy in the mist of a #spiritualawaking.
Most of the information were things I was aware of and needed to hear to push me into the right detraction to motivate me to do the work. One thing I thought was funny was that most of the people I worked with told me to get ready, because the BIG LOVE I've been waiting for, is coming soon. I had a few give me a time frame of the next 3-4 months. I did find it interesting that one of the psychic's oddly described my awaiting lover very similar to my ex I speak of so frequently throughout my writings.
Coincidence OR do I just have a taste and I don't know it? I'm not holding my breath that the same man I dated over a year ago is going to show up and be my next mate. I'm breathing (remember?) and trying not to hold my breath. When I do, it just feels as if I'm blocking the healing energy from flowing. You know, like holding my breath is constipation.
I ALSO feel MATURE LOVE coming my way very soon. Not really sure how, with social distancing/quarantine and I'm not active on dating sites or seeking in person. But remain hopeful as one can in my predicament. It's all in divine timing, right? I do have one request for my life partner, show up 100 percent whole. I deserve that because I'm 100% whole, and when we both show up at a whole 100%, the more of our 100 percent wholeness will overlap offering a larger than life, out of this world relationship that we both deserve and are worthy of. *Beyond the bedroom...
In many ways, I've been asking for unconditional love all my life. I had a taste of what it is to be a Goddess and I'm determined to put in the work, because I know I am a Goddess and worthy of divine love. Plus I want to live the best life I can while remaining my authentic self and I want great fulfillment and I know I have purpose. I want this for my person too. AND I want us to have a long-lasting, mutually supportive, honest love, best friend, old soul kind of life partnership.
I'm going to know my next LOVE, right away too! We'll see it in each others eyes at first glance (if we haven't already). AND It will feel like home when we hug. We'll pick up right where we left off. AND When we meet, they will bring me gifts of flowers and maybe a new watch. That's what manifesting is, right? *giggle.
Yes, I'm doing manifestation exercises but it's more like visualizing bridging the gap between myself and #sacredlove not "gifts". Ok, I know all of this sounds whoo whoo. I believe that's the new phrase for "new age", or, in my family, eccentric. BUT I've been this way as long as I can remember. It's something taught by my ancestors and spiritual gurus. This is me and well, I do ME like no one else.
To Someday and Beyond!
Photographer Silk Media NY Instagram @Silk_media
Photos taken in New York City March 2020