Updated: 2 days ago
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
During the Fall of 2019, I had the opportunity to travel to Europe; Amsterdam, Brussels, London, and Berlin the first time around. Then, a few weeks after tour one was complete, I returned to Europe for a second round to visit Barcelona, Milan Italy, Berlin and London. My well being really needed these trips. I've been feeling stagnant in some areas of my life and fighting with depression most of 2019. I'm also a wanderer at heart and feel comfortable with a nomadic lifestyle. Remembering, crying the day I bought my house because I thought that meant I needed to grow roots and stay put. Silly me, I know now that I have a home base with future investment.
Besides just packing and planning logistics for my travels, I decided to make dating profiles about a month or 2 prior on OK Cupid and Bumble. They both are more mainstream than the other sites I was using; Seek Arrangements and KinkD. OkC and Bumble both use the swiping method to match. However, Bumble is where the female has to message first, if there is a match.
I noticed before leaving my home base in Portland, I got very few responses on either app. I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me. Even though deep down I knew that this wasn't true. I've been dating since my early teens and have had much success in the romantic realm. Plus in many ways, I make a living having romantic relationships. I mean the definition of Mistress is 'the other woman'.
When I landed on the east coast for a few days before hopping the pond to Europe, I got flooded with messages on the dating apps. Which became the theme of the travels in every location I visited. Of course, I'm sure it had something to do with algorithms and bumping my profile to the top because I was new in the location. Whatever it was, I'm glad it happened. It felt nice to be seen and boosted confidence.
Then, I put forth the effort to filter through the messages, profiles, photos and dating energies coming my way. A task that felt familiar. Something I do on a daily for work when screening clients. So, lucky me, I have a good read on people and can easily smell bull shit.
I feel like the work paid off and I got to connect with many great souls throughout my travels. Some only through the apps, some through social media, some that I met in person and some through passing. There were all sorts of conversations at all different levels of emotions, intelligence and, sexual depths.
I'm a person that learns so much in relations with others and through their stories. It was refreshing and uplifting to have shared these moments and it has ultimately changed my life for the better. Even when I hit difficult waves of emotions and some personal intimacy blocks. Which of course I did. I'm only human.
I'm very aware I'm proficient in the sexual vulnerability realm. I know I have a way of naturally embracing my ever-fluid sexuality, especially when in safe environments. If you met me, then maybe you are acquainted with the degree of passion I have around my sexual artistic craft. But we all know that there's more to it than just sex when looking for life partnerships.
With a bit more evaluation, I saw that I was spending a great amount of time on people that weren't necessarily available for serious relationships. I was obviously doing this subconsciously because I was telling myself I was ready for more serious courtships. After recognizing this, I asked myself 'Is this self-sabotage?' and 'Am I really ready?' Or maybe I was picking people that are emotionally unavailable for a serious relationships because it offers me a safe place to practice loving without attachment???
Then, I thought about all the space I already hold for the relationships and relationship styles with everyone I link up with, especially in my work. My career is very intimate and I'm definitely emotionally invested. So I asked myself, 'Am I maxed out?'. Of course I quickly wondered how I could balance my work/play more efficiently.
Giggling to myself and thinking this might be hard to do when my play is my work and my work is my play. Everyone's dream, right? Turn your passion into gold!
Honestly, it's truly amazing and wouldn't change it for the world. I have an abundance of relationships and partnerships in my life. I get to fulfill my needs in the most diverse ways, regardless if it's professional, personal or nontraditional bonds. I know I have a shape-shifting erotic blueprint and I feel lucky because I have variety in my experiences with all sorts of people from all different walks of life. Also when I think about it, every relationship offers the things I ask for; freedom to be ourselves, room for growth, healthy transparent communication, consensual, interdependence and, mutually beneficial.
I'm not going to feel guilty about this one but in a way, I'm still feeling blocked.
Then with a little more processing, I realized that yes, of course, I'm fearing moving forward in emotionally deep partnerships with others but it is not because of the fear of getting hurt. I understand the pain that comes with love. Grief and pleasure are very intertwined and I welcome that. However, as an Empath, I do fear losing myself in relationships.
And that is a real fear...
- I personally took an Erotic Blueprints 1:1 coaching with Jessie Fresh in Portland, OR
Photographs taken November 2019 in Brooklyn NY