Updated: Dec 19, 2022
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
It's been a little over 2 months since you last heard from Me. I left off right before eclipse season 2022 round 2. If you read the last blog entry; A Dating Mistress: Fall '22 Part 1 (Read HERE), then you would know what I'm talking about right now. I mentioned it at the very bottom of the post.
In truth, I really thought I would have made it back here with an up-date sooner but life happened. More like a fucking emotional tsunami happened and I was drowning. It definitely felt larger than just "life" happening. It was eruptions of deep rooted emotions that kept displacing Me from My desired path.
SONG: Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
I wasn't expecting the tropical storms. Honestly, I still felt raw from all the burns after 2022's fire season. Let Me tell you, salt water stings open wounds. However, even in the discomfort, I knew it was necessary. I knew the process of Me dying repetitively with each massive tidal wave, not only was healing My freshly burned skin, but ultimately purifying and formulating a new Me.
So much has happened since W/we last met here and I do find Myself struggling to find the words to bring you up to date with Ms. Monday Jones. Maybe I'm still a bit water logged and haven't properly dried out. Maybe, a trip to the desert is in order.
SONG: Burning by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
I will say that the build up to the darkest day of the year hasn't been all that depressing like I usually experience with My seasonal depression. Even with the vast typhoons. I'm so grateful for that. I'm not sure how well I would have handled the drownings if I was already in a dark place. AND for some reason when My lungs were full of salty tears, I was suspended looking up at the ambient light under the ocean's surface. Not into the darkness of the sea.
Like most natural disasters that strike with or without warning, situational decision making is at the forefront. All of this really forced Me to stay in the present moment, even when I wanted to disassociate. I'm also grateful for that. Life happens in the NOW.
SONG: Gold Loin by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
One wave that hit Me, was needing to find a new club to dance at. The Sandy Jug in Portland has changed their scheduling and the new time slots aren't easy for this single mama to accommodate. When I have childcare, I will still pick up a shift or two at the Jug. However, I am looking for a new club with a more suitable schedule.
I'm currently looking at: Devils Point (View HERE) and Lucky Devil (View HERE). Nevertheless, I still feel like a baby stripper and need to build up a bit more skill set on the pole and confidence before feeling comfortable to move forward with auditions at either one of those bars.
SONG: Heads Will Roll by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
Another huge tidal wave smashed Me when I realized I wasn't EVEN being available for Myself. Let Me explain. It all started when I was evaluating My multiple ethical non-monogamous relationships. Something I do often. Then, I noticed a theme. Each of the beaus weren't able to show up in our relationship in one way or another.
So, like I usually do in My practice, I reversed My frame of thinking and asked Myself if I'm showing up for these relationships. AND How available am I for the relationships? BUT The biggest questions I asked Myself was; Am I showing up and available for Myself?
When I answered Myself with a loud "No." I knew instantly where I needed to center My attention. If I can't show up for Myself, how the hell can I show up for others. Sigh!
SONG: Zero by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
There's been a few times throughout this blog series where I've expressed the desire for a daily partnership. Although, each time I'm presented the opportunity to try that style of relationship on with another, it never feels like it quite fits Me. I'm seeing clearly now that I already have a daily partnership in action and I've been ignoring her. That partner is Me.
I also currently have a day to day partner. In truth, I have three; My teenager and My two fur babies. I felt shameful at first when this all dawned on Me. I couldn't believe I overlooked them because of My seeking heart. I sat with the guilt and My own personal judgment before moving to the recovery phase. Something needed for My process.
With My new frame of mind I approached My youngest Kiddo and shared candidly, they are My daily partner and that I want to co-create our day to day life together. My Child's face lit up and was very happy to add their ideas, wishes and desires to the melting pot. Their first request was for a 3rd dog and the 2nd was, to move somewhere warmer.
Honestly, I'm game for the change and have been contemplating both those requests for years. I've definitely shared openly here that I'm looking for My 3rd property and I'm wanting it near the equator. I would love to buy My next home outside of the country. Luckily, My Kiddo is game for that!
*If the United States is dumb enough to vote Trump back in office, I'm thinking I'll move to Mexico and build "the wall" Myself. Just saying...
SONG: Wolf by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
WARNING: What I have to share next is not easy to say and needs to be said. It is not My story to tell BUT affects My story dramatically.
My youngest Child was sexually assaulted not only once but 4 times in the spring of 2022 by their caregivers youngest child. AND Now, My child has to share a classroom with their abuser on daily at school.
THIS NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!
When My oldest Child reached out to the oldest sibling of the assaulter to discuss the situation, the sibling replied with a statement that implied, My youngest made it all up and is a liar.
Yes, there is a report filed with the Portland Oregon police in regards to My Child's Sexual Assault.
This is fucked on SO many levels. Number one, because I know first hand the two oldest siblings of this family have not only been raped but also sexually assaulted. Number 2, the Portland pigs did nothing about the report. No call, no house visit, nothing. AND I didn't even start on the life long trauma My Child has to sort through. Just fucked!
The other thing that's totally fucked up is, 8/10 victims of sexual abuse don't file reports because they don't think anyone will believe them. On top of that 9/10 of the victims know their abuser. AND I'm pretty sure 10/10 of the assailants are repeated offenders.
NOW THAT IS FUCKED UP! Oh yeah, and My Child's caregiver was an ex sub of Mine. I'm sure you can guess who. They're named after a purple flower and I mention them plenty in My past blogs. Yes, I'm angry. This whole situation hits closer to home than anyone really knows.
*AND this weird relief of heaviness lifts off My shoulders as I unload the skeletons from My closest.
SONG: LoveBomb by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
On to another heavy subject; My estranged parents. As stated in the summer 2022 portion of this blog series I made 2 attempts to visit them. The first trip got canceled due to a sick Child and the 2nd, My mother cock blocked. So, in the midst of My tropical storms I asked Myself, "Do I dare try for a 3rd?" Then I asked, "Why I'm I even doing this?"
At the beginning of all this, My father was supposedly dying. And well, I thought that's what you do when there's a person dying and you're in a position to see them before the transition. Then I tried to convince Myself I was doing it for My Kids. Even though My oldest is old enough to drive Themselves to My parents and My youngest can't stand them.
So, no need to go say good bye because apparently My father's not on his death bed. I'm obviously not doing it for My Children. I have zero desire to make amends. So, why bother?
I just couldn't come up with a good reason to give it a 3rd try to make that trip to see My parents. However, it was long overdue to visit with My pretty redheaded cousin and I knew she was struggling after her mother's death. Wow, the last time her and I had a big chunk of time together was 6 or 7 years ago when she crewed Me for Zion 100 mile Ultramarathon.
Therefore, I went to Spokane Washington. I was slightly disappointed that I only got a total of 4 hours out of the 48 hours with My cuz, BUT the trip was still worth it. I will add though, some of the tsunami waves flooded Me while I was in Eastern Washington. You see, I went to college in Spokane and raised My first Daughter there for a period of Her life.
The surge of emotions were overwhelming and paralyzed Me during My travels. I spent a lot of My time sitting in My downtown hotel room staring out the window that faced South, right at Spokane's version of "Pill Hill". It's where all the hospital and doctor's offices are. It's also where I resided and worked when I lived in town.
The reunion with My old life gave Me a chance to reflect. The majority of the memories filled Me with acute nostalgia for those early adult years. I was even able to have a great deal of compassion for the younger Me. Which in some odd way helped rewire My brain.
*Just to clarify. The "tidal waves" are a gamut of human emotions. The gray area...
SONG: Different Today by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
Let's wrap this A Dating Mistress blog entry up with an actual dating up-date and not all this talk about typhoons and stormy weather.
The New York beau, Cici and Me are 100% hands down going healthy and strong. I'm really happy with the non-attachment style relationship we've built. It's exciting to explore living in the moment with him. AND I'm looking forward to celebrating the winter solstice together in a few weeks.
Now the newest Portland beau. Let Me start with, I was hesitant to dive into this dynamic to begin with but was eager to try it on.
However, I'm not quite sure if I'm liking the fit. Nor who I am in relationship with him. Now, that's no good and needs to be addressed.
You see, he and I do not come from similar back grounds. His life experiences ride much more traditional and orthodox. Two words that don't really fit into My 40+ year story. We also don't share the same attachment style. Which I noticed right away, and am not really sure how to change.
Plus, I prefer to build non-attachment style dynamics. No, that does not mean I'm detached. It's somewhere in the middle of being attached and detached. The grey area like non-duality.
Despite all that, My biggest hesitant was because of My therapy. I am in some intense FUCKING therapy right now and it needs My focus. He is aware of all this. I made it very clear about My hesitation when the relationship first launched. AND where I am currently.
*I'll add one last thing, just because someone is willing to match your level of intimacy, does not mean they have the capacity or the skill set to...
SONG: Spitting Off the Edge of the World ft. Perfume Genius by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
New York City Dates
December 17th - 25th 2022
February 5th - 17th 2023
*No January dates
March 2023 TBA
Montreal Quebec Canada:
January 10th -13th 2023
I'm sure I have much much more to say but feel like that was enough for this A Dating Mistress blog entry. No need to worry, I'll be back soon. BUT for now some much needed rest and recovery after My 2 months of emotional tidal waves.
Until we meet again...
YOUTUBE: The Secret of Successful Relationships: Rupture and Repair by The School of Life (Watch HERE)
SONG: Skeletons by Yeah Yeah Yeahs (Listen HERE)
ARTICLE: How to Love Without Attachment by Zach Beach (Read HERE)
BOOK: Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin (View HERE)
Photos taken in July of 2022 by Cardwell Photography
View Instagram HERE