Updated: Sep 12
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
SONG: Death Cab for Cutie - "Soul Meets Body" (Listen HERE)
The shorter days and longer nights are bringing on the cravings of rich, flavorful foods. Tis the season, I guess. I don't necessarily celebrate the holidays during this time of year and no, it's not because I'm a grinch. It's just how it's evolved for Me throughout My adult life. However, if you've been keeping up with Me through My blogs and other social media platforms, you'll see I do celebrate and have a ritual around the changing of the seasons.
This Winter Solstice, December 21, 2021, I decided to get surgery. A hysterectomy to be exact. I mentioned these surgery plans in My past blog; A Dating Mistress: Summer '21 Part 2 (Read HERE). I figured that surgery on Solstice would be a great way to transition into the darker winter months. I already feel a little like a hibernating bear during this time of year, especially when I decide to stay in the Northern hemisphere. *Roar
SONG: Bon Iver - "Skinny Love" (Listen HERE)
I feel like I've had a lot of mental real estate being occupied with life stuff over the last few month, that I'm lacking My usual creative flow. I wasn't even motivated to finish this blog entry. I eventually gave Myself a due date to ensure it would get done. So, I apologize ahead of time if this particular piece of writing isn't up to par with others in My past.
You see, I am processing a shit ton right now. I'm not even sure where to begin or if I should even go into detail about some of the fucking shit that's rolling over in My mind, body and spirit. Then on top of it all, I hurt My low back. That made My whole world stop for 4-6 weeks. Oddly, It felt like I needed to stop and hurting My back was the way the Universe made Me stop.
For My fans and readers that know back pain, you know it sucks big time and can be so crippling. I spent weeks in 8 out of 10 pain. The pain took such a physical, mental and spiritual toll on Me. Really, this back injury was no joke and can't even recall how it happened either. I just woke up one morning and BAM, low back pain.
SONG: Bob Marley & The Wailers - "Three Little Birds" (Listen HERE)
*My youngest child would have Me play this song on repeat during the long morning commutes to their nanny's house, when I still worked for OHSU.
Most of November, I toyed with the idea of a potential suitor. It took up a good deal of free rent and was short lived, which most likely was for the better. However, I will say I learned a heap in a short amount of time interacting and connecting with this person. So, all and all it feels successful. And something tells Me that we're not quite over over, since we decided to carry out a friendship.
Something else I realized in November: I need to go back to talk therapy. Ugh! So much has surfaced while sitting on My couch in back pain staring at the space between My face and the wall, that I know it's time to deal with it. That way I can be a better Me because I know a lot of My fucking trauma affects My relationships not only with My children and others, BUT mainly with Myself.
I start counseling at the beginning of the year.
SONG: Griffin House - "The Guy That Says Goodbye to You Is Out of His Mind" (Listen HERE)
After My last blog post, A Dating Mistress Autumn '21 (Read HERE), I've been definitely thinking about domestic violence and how it's been a part of My story from day one with the display of behaviors My parents taught Me. I've been mulling over how these learned behaviors and absuse translated in My early relationships. I'm spending some time forgiving Myself, for not only allowing the abuse, but for My participation in the toxic cycles.
To be real, I've been crying a great deal and letting the emotions flow through Me. Like a lot of crying. Like all day tears.
SONG: Hollow Coves - Coastline (Listen HERE)
I'm currently examining My parenting. I didn't have the best examples to model parenting skills from. Adult brain understands My parents were doing the best they could with the skills they had. Anyways...
I'm trying My hardest to shift My style of mothering for My changing children and the changing Me. My oldest, 21 years old and living on her own with her boyfriend. My youngest, 12 and enduring their middle school years. I believe My youngest likes their nanny more than Me right now and I'm cool with that. The nanny is pretty rad!
*Brace yourself for what's next.
Now this topic has been taking up precious mental space since I got the news. I'm not sure how in-depth I want to go either.
In September of this year, a friend of Mine, who happens to be My youngest's best friend's mom, invited Me over. While we were sharing a joint and shooting the shit, she informed Me that My youngest's dad raped her in My kitchen about two years prior, while our children where upstairs playing. Of course this news shook Me up, BUT the kinda fucked up thing, I wasn't too surprised, knowing the guy and all.
Without going into specifics, I recall telling the guy "No" on the night we conceived My youngest child. I believe that was the last time we had sex. I also recall wanting to break up shortly after finding out I was pregnant but I couldn't figure out how to leave the relationship. It took well over a year. maybe two before I was able to move Myself and My children out of the apartment we shared. What can I say? Sometimes breaking up takes time.
This is just to give some insight on the "life stuff" I've been dealing with and maybe why I'm lacking in the creativity department right now. By no means am I trying to play victim here. To be honest, the domestic violence along My journey has been a big part of My ascension.
I'll add one last thing before moving on to a new subject. The old Me, the younger Me, would have slashed My kid's father's truck tires and lit him on fire with My nasty words while My kids witnessed the shit storm through the windows of My nearby parked car. The new Me, the older Me, is paying a therapist a shit ton of money to assist with this level of trauma in desire to heal.
Awwww. It looks like I've grown up. And well, My frontal lobe is fully developed now. Fuck, finally. If I only knew then, what I know now.
I also want to say, just because "Yes" was the answer once, does not mean it's the answer every time. Consent is sexy AF!
SONG: Ingrid Michaelson - "Take Me the Way I Am" (Listen HERE)
I think the super and I got off on the wrong foot at My Upper East Side co-op. However, it might be a cultural difference. I'm a single mid-aged American woman from the Pacific Northwest and she's a single late 20's maybe early 30-something Russian woman living on the East coast. Anyways, My two run ins with her have not been pleasant nor her very inviting to the new kid on the block. Honestly, it's frustrating and annoying. I want to feel comfortable in My home, not someone keeping taps on Me or attacking Me.
So, I told Myself that as much as I want to write a complaint letter, I'll hold off and give the lady and Myself (for being the new kid) a break. Nonetheless, I took note of the dates/times of My not-so-friendly encounters with the woman and I did tell Myself "Three strikes, you're out, bitch."
SONG: Gary Jules - "Mad World" (Listen HERE)
I've been contemplating about My business; Hard Point Pictures and how I can bring it back to life or let it go. I really would've liked to have a partner involved in the next stages of this company, BUT I'm not really sensing that's going to be an option for Me. Luckily, I do know as a producer, I'll get to partner up on a variety of projects with a diverse population pool. Knowing this puts Me in a spot to move forward with a revamp of My production company and being okay with flying solo.
New Name: Hard Points by Monday
SONG: Feist & Ben Gibbard - "Train Song" (Listen HERE)
Recently a friend asked Me if I would
take back an old lover/partner that I have never really gotten over if they popped back up in My life. For some reason, this question got Me thinking about break ups. Mostly how people handle a break up will, in ways, pave the way for the future.
Do you jump into another relationship like a serial monogamist, or do you take the road of self discovery? Some will go right into a relationship after a break up to get over the person, and others will get over the loss of the relationship by finding themselves.
To answer My friend's question, I choose Myself. Whatever that looks like and in whatever circumstances. That's a fucking good place to be and a fairly new version of Me.
SONG: Xavier Rudd - Stoney Creek (Listen HERE)
I have no big New Year's plans, other than recovering from My surgery. By the way, I'll be out of commission December 21, 2021 through January 14, 2022. I hope to return to "light duty" January 15 and "full duty" on February 1, but we'll see what the Universe has aligned for Me. By the way, I have hired help to assist with the first week of recovery. I feel fortunate our nanny is also an EMT (Emergency Medical Technician).
I'm personally looking forward to starting My winter with sleep and rest. It kinda feels like this hibernating bear is preparing for a good vision quest. Maybe My dreams will give Me a little insight on what to expect in 2022 OR maybe on what kinda projects My production company will participate in. OR maybe, I'll just sleep away the recovery and wake up in spring a newer Me with less parts.
Whatever the "maybe", I'm sure I'll write about it...
Cheers & Happy Holidays!
SONG: Mama Cass - "Dream a Little Dream of Me" (Listen HERE)
* I used to sing this song to a lover nightly while we would drift off to sleep. This is also the one and only song (to date) that I've sung on stage in front of a room full of people (in 2014).
PS: Just a little reminder, My birthday is January 26. *wink
Next trip to New York City: January 17th-29th 2022
Psychology Facts Of Human Behavior (Watch HERE)
Psychological Facts About Humans (Watch HERE)
A great way to support Me, especially durning My recovery period is by subscribing to My "NEW" Onlyfans. It's 25% off for the 1st month! At least up to 4 postings a day as I rebuild My content on the platform. (Subscribe HERE)
Photos taken November 2021 in New York, New York