Updated: May 26
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
Wow! Here we are. It's Autumn now and yeah, not sure about any of you, but it came in fast for me. I really don't feel like I need to say this, but fuck what a fucking year 2020 has dished out and it's not even over yet. I'm crossing my fingers that 2021 will bring all of us something fantastic. Ok it honestly hasn't been all that shitty, or has it?...
I was alone for the Fall Equinox this year in my Portland Oregon townhouse. I thought about my past, and performed rituals of cutting the cords of energies that do not serve me. This included; behaviors, people, habits, perspectives, karma, my past, etc. I reflected on lessons learned. I manifested the person I want to be. I held gratitude for all the light and
shadow work I had to endure to evolve to this new glow up.
I personally feel like I've gained a mass amount of success this year even through all the darkness. Odd to say that, I know with all that has gone down the last 8 months; Covid-19 pandemic, Black Lives Matter Movement protests, our political environment, a situational recession, national disasters: hurricanes in the South, fires in the West, and so on. I've been tucked away in isolation working on myself and managing my empathy. Maybe that's why I'm feeling the way I am about 2020 because while I was in time out, I was doing my self work and mastering my reactions to the environments I am exposed to. Anyways, hiding away was a great use of my time and I feel like I've made major strides in my evolution. Finally!
Of course if you've been keeping up with my blog and/or my vlog aka "Safety Meetings", you may already know I've been holding space for LOVE and a new lover. Just a quick update on that; I'm still single and not focusing on hunting anything other than inner peace right now. I realized I am better off continuing down the road of self development and self discovery. It's been good this far and I know LOVE will show up when least expected.
Things I do in hermit mood: I read. I sleep. I write. I study. I parent my two lovely children. I train, play with, and walk my tiny dogs, Bruce and Po. (PS I found a groomer, YAY!). I go for long drives in my 1975 Chevy Nova SS. I make arty things and stuff. I run, cycle, and lift weights (after an 8 week break). I sometimes cook. I practice Kundalini yoga. I pull tarot/oracle cards. I smoke pot. I make lame Youtube videos. I utilize my Portland home sauna and hot tub often. I also take salt baths or treat myself to a float at The Float Shoppe in Northwest Portland Oregon. I day dream about all the places I will travel. I eat really really good healthy food. I meditate. I try not to over think and practice being in the present moment.
One thing I recently accomplished while being a recluse was the launch of my new website and business, Star Gaia Awakening. The journey through the process of this new career was intense and extremely vulnerable, but very necessary for my personal growth. I've never really opened up much about my psychic abilities, other than with close friends and maybe a little in my first blog "A Dating Mistress". So, when I heard my spirit tell me it was time to expose my abilities to the world as an intuitive healer on a much bigger scale, I about died. No really, I about died.
By no means were my near death experiences full of chaos and/or major drama with a light at the end of the tunnel that magical body jolt back to life.
Yes, that was plural near death experiences. I've had at least 4. Two of them while under the age of 10. Strange, I've never really talked about them til now. You see, I was one of the lucky ones that got Covid-19. You read that right, I said lucky. I would not be who I am right now if wasn't for that experience.
About 10 to 12 weeks ago I lost circulation to all my limbs with heart palpitations, organ failure, rapid weight loss, massive fatigue, blood clots that grow in size over night and hyper-coagulability; thickening of the blood. All residual complications from the virus. Let me tell you, it was very exhausting trying to advocate for health care and see a doctor in person on top of not feeling well. I filled out an advance directive and had tough vulnerable conversations in regards to my well being and possible outcomes. All while I was feeling like I was dying from the inside out. It was a bit scary, overwhelming, and obviously just what I needed to make the leap into full faith to get off my ass to level up and live my fucking life to the fullest. Funny how death can be a motivator to live.
Okay, Story time! Sorry but it's not erotica. However, it's a story of love.
Once upon a time I fell in love with a patient of mine while I was a nurses assistant on the Oncology floors at Providence Hospital. It wasn't planned and I recall not looking for love at the time we met. Interesting how that usually works, right? Of course I knew his diagnosis and it was two years, maybe. But I didn't care. We both felt it and went for it. We established a wonderful connection and shared a very full 3+ respectful years together. He died 3 weeks after his 39th birthday. I am crying as I write this...
Even though I was prepared and even knew what I was signing up for, saying good bye to a lover/loved one is never easy, no matter if it's death, divorce, break up, life situations etc. Pain and pleasure are delicately intertwined and there's something magical about experiencing the spectrum in between. I learned so much about life, death, loving unconditionally, spirituality, etc during my shared time on earth with this lover. I mean fuck, I'm still learning from that relationship a decade later.
I felt his spirit visit me not too long ago with wisdom and comfort. I can't exactly tell you word for word what was said between us. One reason why, is because the messages came in over the course of a few days, dreams, synchronicities, and through my senses; sight, hearing, taste, feeling and smell. However, I can share what I got from the signs. He warned me about my health. (This is before I discovered the blood clots and so on). He comforted my heart ache that my human body was feeling with the ascension process of enlightenment, and he reminded me that I am just a spirit having a human experience.
2019 was my 39th year and one of the hardest years to date fighting with life long depression. I would like to dedicate last year to The Dark Night of the Soul. I seriously wanted to die and thought about it often. My next line is hard to say but very real. My children saved me and if it wasn't for my parenting responsibilities, I'm not sure where I would be today. Maybe that was taboo of me to confess, but the last time I checked, "taboo" was at the top of my menu.
I find it a little peculiar, that last year I didn't care if I lived and this year I had to fight to live. It puts things in perspective for me. 2020 has given all of us lots of time to reflect. I mean it does feel like we all got sent to our rooms to think about what we've done...
I'm currently learning astrology. Not the Western style of personalities, but the Eastern style; a blueprint of your life. As I study the stars, I begin to understand life here on earth and queerly feel more connected to it. I'm seeing that most everything, if not all, is mapped out in the stars beyond just our birth date/time/location stamp . But you ask "What about free will?" And I say free will is just a bunch of multiple choice to get to the pre-programmed destination. Star birth charts can tell you a lot about a person and the life they may live. I'm finding it to be a useful tool to forecast the possible future and how to maneuver through it. It's a lovely tool to look at too! #stargazing
Side note: The year I lost my lover to cancer I participated in a year long meditation that changed my life forever. Check it out! A Year to Live: How to Live This Year as Your Last
I am doing a shit ton of studying right now. It's mainly me sharpening my skills as Somatic Practitioner and psychic medium. I even got myself a "life coach". She's another psychic that is helping me identify and access my gifts with more ease. Best money I've spent in a long time. Well, besides the dog groomer. I'm also brushing up my knowledge with websites, branding, selling merchandise, and growing a business in this new era. So, keep your eyes open for the launch of another website and distributing platforms of my production company Hard Point Pictures.
I've been spending time activating my imagination with developing products and content for my online shop. Yeah yeah I would also rather be using my sacral chakra for sexy time and sessions BUT we all know that the times be changing, living among a pandemic. Which makes human contact a rarity these days. I have a feeling with all the money that is being made on the covid-19 health hype, we'll be seeing it for quite sometime until we have another form of revenue to exploit in this country. Mmm oh yeah, #Fucktrump.
*PS I'm still providing real time sessions by responsibly adding health screening and social distancing questions to my intake process, and continuing my appropriate cleaning measures for everyone's safety. Yes, a lot of it has to do with trust. BUT I thought trust was a big part of the human experience. Am I wrong?
Things I'm looking forward to, now through the end of the year; More self study (damn I'm really loving myself these days and I really really want that to carry on), cooking for my kids, the dog groomer taking over the painful job of grooming my boys, trips to New York City and other domestic locations, developing merchandise, watching Star Gaia Awakening grow, wearing my knee high boots, shaping my intuitive attainment, smoking pot, continuing to walk my spiritual path and becoming more comfortable with expressing myself authentically to the world.
By the way, I decided I had to get over the whole watch thing. Well, you would understand the "watch thing" if you've been keeping up with me. Anyways, you see I took off my Apple Watch over the summer because it was a constant reminder of the ex-lover. Yes, the one I've written about in the last few blogs and my first blog "Winter 2019". I'll be real here and tell you that, lately, I've been struggling a little with the whole concept of time. It just seems like an illusion and I know it's totally man made. However, in this human world we humans created, time is a thing. A big thing for some and valuable too.
The thing is, I ended up showing up for a work gig 45 minutes late. When I got home that evening, I decided to put the watch back on. Not only was that disrespectful but it was also unprofessional to show up that late. So, since I can't currently overindulge in the Rolex I desire, the Apple Watch from the ex will have to do.
I thought it was broken at first because it took forever to charge up. Plus, I have a long standing history of breaking every watch I've ever owned. I think it has something to do with my energy field. Mmmmm now that I think about it, this particular watch is the longest I've every owned one without it breaking.
The watch gave me a welcoming squeeze as I wrapped it around my wrist for the first time after what felt like years. Then I felt a burst of warm energy across my chest with an overwhelming feeling of unconditional love and acceptance for my former partner. To say the least it was confirmation, that I've done the healing work in regards to our past relationship. And maybe, just maybe I've achieved a level of radical acceptance, understanding and love.
I do wish him well and hope he is happy...
Other online articles about The Dark Night of the Soul:
For Purchase! ONLY $20
Now you can worship Me from the comforts of your own home with this lovely votive candle. *First of many products for my online shop...
Etsy Shop HERE
Photos by Klover Studio in Portland Oregon August 2020