Updated: Jan 15
"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
Happy New Year! It really feels that way for Me this year, happy. Like I shared in the last blog entry A Dating Mistress: Winter Solstice '22 (Read HERE), I'm not experiencing My usual seasonal depression. It's been nice not yearning to die for half the year. "Nice" isn't the right word. More like Fucking Fantastic.
40 years of seasonal depression. Yup, I said 40 years. The story goes, My parents started seeing depression symptoms in Me with season change at the age of 3. I believe this year, I've made some connection to the dots. Of course, My therapy has been a huge component to uncovering the mystery of My 40 years of seasonal depression. Yes, trauma was the catalyst for the life time of chronic depression.
SONG: Closer by Kings of Leon (Listen HERE)
Another component to My new found un-depressed Me was getting My hysterectomy one year ago. I wrote about My surgery in many posts throughout 2022 BUT here's two from a year ago; A Dating Mistress: Winter Solstice '21 (Read HERE) & A Dating Mistress: My Birthday Month January '22 (Read HERE). The blog post about My birthday was an interesting entry. I recall writing it while recovering from surgery and was very high off My pain meds. In My opinion, it's a pretty good piece of writing regardless of the prescription drugs influence.
Anyways, back to My point I was trying to make. You see, your bodies keep score. No big news that I believe this. I talk about it plenty. Here are two books that I've recommended throughout the last 4 years on these pages of A Dating Mistress. AND I'm recommending them again.
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D. (View HERE)
Heal Your Body : The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Metaphysical Way to Overcome Them by Louise L. Hay (View HERE)
SONG: Closer by The Chainsmokers (Listen HERE)
Something happened right away with the removal of My uterus. Even on day one of recovery, I noticed that My body wasn't attacking itself. The chronic pain was gone. Of course not 100% right away. I did deal with acute lower abdominal and back pain throughout this last year while healing and what some might call phantom pain.
The kicker was, the memories that surfaced within days after My surgery. WARNING! What I'm about to write next might be triggering for some. I know I've shared a little about these memories somewhere in My writings over this last year BUT never really went into details.
SONG: Closer by Meddy (Listen HERE)
I most likely kept details to Myself because I didn't yet fully understand what I was going through. I'm not totally sure if I do now in this current phase of transforming the anguish BUT it's a bit clearer than it was a year ago. It kinda reminds Me of a line I once heard about breaking up. The saying goes; "Sometimes the recovery phase of a break up takes an equal amount of time to process as it did to build the relationship."
That saying ran so true when My former wife and I split. It took us 8 years to build the relationship and it took Me 8 years before I dated another female at any level of seriousness. AND just like the 40 years of trauma I've endured, it might take another 40 years to sort through. Mmmmmm or maybe not. I am older and would like to think wiser than I was 20 years ago. Plus, I've learned, and am learning, ways to fast track the rewiring of My brain. Duh, of course drugs aka plant medicine is involved but mainly forcing on My Somatic therapy and mindfulness.
Okay okay ok, back to the details. Funny that now that I'm here I just want to keep it short and sweet. The thing is, sexual abuse is not necessarily sweet and comes with lasting effects. Which, I came to find out through re-called memories, this form of childhood abuse is a part of My story. Before the removal of My uterus, I didn't know existed to this capacity.
Yes yes, I'm aware of the sexual abuse I was exposed to as a teenager from peers, crushes and/or teachers, and the abuse in My adulthood from partners, colleagues, medical professionals, and/or some of My own clients. BUT something I prided Myself on, was I didn't suffer from childhood sexual abuse.
*Fuck, I just got told different.
SONG: Closer by Tegan and Sara (Listen HERE)
Two weeks after My hysterectomy I went in for a massage. I've been with this particular male masseuse for about 8 or 9 years now. He knows Me and I trust him. He has never once been inappropriate with Me. I actually recall thanking him for his level of professionalism that particular day.
You see, the moment My masseuse touched Me, a flood of emotions and body memory with the words repeating in My head, "Your dad was sexually inappropriate with you on his massage table." (My father was a masseuse and would practice on Me durning My pubescent years.) Then, I saw visuals of the historical moments My dad made without My consent. It was super overwhelming BUT also seemed so necessary and fairly easy for Me to comprehend.
Oddly enough I was very calm and relaxed on the massage table during this whole experience. It felt as if My solid foundation I built with My hands-on-healer was key to work through this next layer of trauma stored in My body with this healing art of the somatic practice of massage. By no means did I share what was happening internally while getting the massage. I did open up to My practitioner a few months later, after I had a better understanding of what was going on.
I would be lying if I told you I remained calm and relaxed after My return home from My massage that day. BUT No that wasn't the case. Honestly looking back on it now, it seems a bit fuzzy on how I made it through this last year. I owe a lot of it to My mad dedication to doing My work, not giving up on My therapy and in truth My surgery. Seriously, Me living without pain is life changing. Pain can alter one's personality.
I'll spare you the other horrifying childhood sexual abuse stories My mind, body, and soul re-processed over this last year. I will say, it wasn't a one time thing and didn't only come from My father. I recall ages; 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 13, 16 & 17 of extreme sexual trauma from My dad's dad aka grandfather, My uncle, My brother, My cousins and My own mother.
Yeah okay. I'm done with story time. However, I'm sure I'll share more of My history on this topic as the information is revealed to Me in a way of valued wisdom. If you get what I'm putting down. AND moving on now.
SONG: Closer by Cuchi (Listen HERE)
Someone not too long ago asked if I plan to make anymore Youtube videos. He told Me he liked them. Of course I replied with 'I'll think about it'. Which I am.
To be real, I feel silly that I did them in the first place. You see, to Me that was just a moment caught in time of who I was right then. I truthfully feel like a 1000 or more versions of Me died since then. Which puts Me in a spot to ask Myself; "How do I want the current Me to be perceived?" Knowing fair well I will change as fast as My nail color changes.
Then I ask myself; "Do I want to continue documenting Myself?" If so, "How?" I'm still pondering. Naturally I want to create more content BUT at what level of professionalism. Knowing Me, My work will land all over the spectrum of amateur to Pro/cinema quality. AND proceed to speak about all the grey stuff in-between.
SONG: Closer by Powers (Listen HERE)
Oh MY GOD! I need to basket in a pressure, for just sec. That pleasure of SEX! Man, oh man. I had the most intense sexual intimacy of My life on this last trip to New York City. The connection's were real and did not go unnoticed. I though I was going to fall in love a few times.
Yeah, the perks of My career, I guess. I want more sex like that. Authentic intimacy where all parties involved have the emotional intelligence to show up ready to be vulnerable in an empathetic safe space to co-create true companionship to thrive. Yep. That's My New Year's resolution.
Again, Happy New Year. Not really a 'holiday' I celebrate BUT do acknowledge it's a day to celebrate. Sorta like the Chinese New Year. Which is on January 22nd, 2023 and it's the year of the Water Rabbit (View HERE). If you wanted to know. AND yeah I don't really do New Year's resolutions...
Travel Dates for 2023
Montreal Quebec Canada: January 10th-13th
New York, New York: February 9th-19th & March 9th-19th
NYC April, May & June Dates TBA
Berlin Germany May 17th-21st
Athens Greece May 30th-June 6th
Quick up-date with My company. I reinstated My LLC. I'm in the process of a name change that will become the umbrella of My work. It's exciting and scary at the same time. Of course I have an accountant guiding Me. Even though I studied business and accounting in college, I still prefer to have a pro do My books.
Funny thing happened this week. You see, as soon as My business partner in New York, the one associated with My potential office space. Remember? Well as soon as We let go of the idea of our own place, one showed up. Just like that. AND best part the landlord knows how We want to utilize the space.
Talk about fear boner. Eeekkk!
SONG: Closer by Johnny Nash (Listen HERE)
Let's catch you all up with My dating life. Mmmm. While there's really only one thing I want to donate to a dating up-date right now. The newest addition aka Portland beau has requested to not be mentioned in My A Dating Mistress blog series anymore. So, yeah I can respect that. The Portland beau has been fizzled out of this dating story in one or more ways.
*Sweet, he is now officially phased out. Moving on now...
Fun fact the "..." is called an ellipse (View HERE)
In truth, I don't need to refer to any of the characters that I do in these blog posts. It's not even about them per se. The information I'm really wishing to provide, is the personal lessons and/or experience I'm having in these real human connections. I'm very aware I have the ability to present My wisdom in an anonymous diplomatic approach. AND I'm also aware that I made a conscious decision to incorporate more of a personal flare with each cast member in this A Dating Mistress tale.
Amusing, I just realized, that these blog posts also document the 1000+ different versions of Me over the last 4 years. AND with the current looking back on the series, it exposes a few things to Me:
1. Ascension is not linear
2. Change is inevitable
3. Everyone is seeking connection.
I'm sure there's more BUT with that I'm signing off for now.
PS My Birthday is January 26th #JustSaying
SONG: Closer by Nine Inch Nails (Listen HERE)
YOUTUBE: You Are NOT Your Trauma by Crappy Childhood Fairy (Watch HERE)
BOOK: Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute (View HERE)
SONG: Closer by Belle Mariano (Listen HERE)
Photo's taken in September 2022 by Danielle Mathias
Instagram (View HERE)