"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
I really love My birthday. I always have. My birth story was a favorite repeated childhood tale, told to only Me on My birthday by My mother. A very loving mother Daughter moment to recall on a yearly.
SONG: Sleep to Dream by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
Off subject AND nothing to do with My birth story or birthday. However, I just need to say it. The first picture in this blog post would have been way kinkier if some sweet sub was worshiping My hairy arm pit. You know, really getting in there and treating it like My cunt.
Yeah, okay. Just Me?
I've stated a few times now throughout the last two blog entries: A Dating Mistress: Winter Solstice '22 (Read HERE) and A Dating Mistress: New Years '22 (Read HERE) that this is the first time in 40 years I'm not dealing with Seasonal Depression (View HERE). I shared some thought about why this is. You remember, right?
Refresher: I'm pain free for the first time in My adult life. Game and personality changer. I'm putting in the work with My somatic therapy. I'm doing memory recovery in a way to truly process the childhood trauma and rewire My brain.
Yeah, so this is the first time in 40 years where I don't want to die during this time of year. I owe it to some valued information that was revealed to Me recently and gave Me some understanding why this time of year was so traumatizing. This was the time of year that I would receive the most sexual abuse. While I was on the holiday breaks from school, visiting extended family.
SONG: Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
I feel like I've discovered lots of My history over this last year. I understand My story better. The uncovered info explains so much. Seriously, it's mind blowing, that this level of self work I'm doing right now is technically rewiring My brain. It's been a powerful way to rewrite My story.
I recall this one family gathering where there was some sexually inappropriate behavior that was exposed and instead of the adults addressing the situation, they chose to sweep it under the rug. Then years later at another family gathering, the adults involved refer to the event as a joke where they inflicted shame, guilt, judgment, etc onto a very serious occurrence. So, fucked up.
SONG: Shadowboxer by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
The incident never got mentioned again. It just became another elephant in the room. So, dysfunctional. Don't people know that the elephant is Ganesha (View HERE). He's just providing us with worth while life lessons with these "obstacles" he places.
Anyways, onto some brighter news. I've decided to return to bird-nesting with My youngest Child's father. Bird-nesting is where the child stays in the "family home" and the parents move in and out of the house. Yeah, I know we definitely have some repair work to do. Thank goodness both of us are willing to do it. AND we're involving the children in the rebuilding of the family.
My youngest's father, is one of the oldest "relationships" I currently have in My life. We just made 20 years. At one point in our partnership we made a deal to create a family unit and I believe we can recover from our toxic past. I see we've finally realized it's worth putting in the work to edit our partnership the way we deserve.
SONG: Criminal by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
Something I've said goodbye to in 2022 was dating people that remind Me of My mother. I know, who the fuck wants to date their mother. It seems creepy to Me regardless of what spectrum of feelings you have about your mother. Why would you ever want to date your parent?
Anyways, it's not that I'm really dating My "mother". It's the feeling that I am experiencing in the dynamic/s that reminds Me of the similar emotions that I associated as "Love" from My mother/parents. BUT in truth the behavior was toxic and narcissistic.
*So, yeah no more of that.
Back to the elephant in the room. I recently hung out with someone where I felt that energy present in our time together. In many ways it made Me sad. It dawned on Me lots of people live that way. People going about their lives ignoring the elephant between themselves and their spouse, their children, family, friends, colleagues etc.
In My opinion, fucking exhausting. The 3 hour hang out felt like 30 years. I was ready for My exit to reflect on why that was so painful. AND I gave Myself gratitude for not making that a common practice of Mine. I would rather see the elephant as an opportunity to connect. It doesn't need to be conflict. However, I'm aware that society has taught that conflict is a form of an agreement.
SONG: Slow Like Honey by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
I want to focus some of My attention towards developing My writing skills. I gave Myself a few writing assignments to work on over the next few months. One of the writing projects, is writing for the site Tryst (View HERE). I'm sure I'll share, if anything gets published. Fun to think about being published, one day.
Another of the writing assignments I gave Myself is to write a mission statement for My company. Eeekkk! That feels like a lot of pressure to Me for some reason. A mission statement is a real thing. How am I going to wrap everything My company represents in one long sentence. I'll figure it out.
Getting uncomfortable is part of growth, right?...
I'm still working on My own membership site "HardPoints by Monday". Yeah, well there's lots of writing involved in that task too. Plus, I plan to add written erotica to My member's only site. That excites Me in so many ways!
SONG: The First Taste by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
So, I gave OnlyFans a third try. Funny, I won't give it a 3rd try to visit My parents. Anyways, just wow they definitely up their security. They did a 'real scan' of My face. I'm pretty sure OnlyFans is also sharing their information to homeland security and FBI.
*Then OnlyFans deleted Me for unexplained violation. Fuck if I know...
I mean come on, the internet is not a safe place and does not support freedom of speech. I believe Elon Mask just publicity announced the FBI's involvement with Twitter. Plus Tic-Tok is Chinese owned and operated. On top of all of this no one talks about FOSTA-SESTA (View HERE).
Freedom of speech is an allusion. FOSTA-SESTA packaged their pitch, as a way to stop sex trafficking. BUT all it really did was drive it down deeper in the black market and removed information from public platforms. Trump pasted this law. I suspect Trump is also involved in human/sex trafficking. I mean his family did publicly own brothels throughout history.
Sad to say but there's a SHIT TON of money in human/sex trafficking. Slavery as old as time. This story has been told around the world for far too long. It would be nice to live during a time where I can see and experience the re-writing of this particular history.
SONG: Never is a Promise by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
Okay okay peeps, time to Segway into something more vulnerable. I'm struggling hard right now. It's no joke being a single mama. AND it's incredibly difficult to find My footing as I navigate though My teenagers needs. The head flog from all the hormones of puberty is real. I see how exhausted My child is as they labor through their emotional chaos and the struggle for autonomy.
My heart is breaking for them and I've been crying for weeks over this. Of course, I try My hardest to keep My cool But fuck some days I just can't. I'm grateful for their father's most recent assistance while I was traveling to Montreal Canada. It gave Me a chance to decompress and recharge.
I feel like most of My life is on hold while I deal with My child's needs. By no means am I hesitating on this pause. I know it's necessary to support My child. AND in truth, My head space is consumed by My parenting responsibilities (right where I need to be) that there's not much room for anything else.
SONG: The Child is Gone by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
With all of that said I'm also battling the reality of betrayal. Wow, what a word to drop, right? You see, I broke down the other day in therapy and out of nowhere unloaded the story of My TwinFlame. You remember him? I mention him throughout My blog entries. He's the first relationship I speak of in A Dating Mistress blog series.
Our dating story;
A Dating Mistress: New Years 2019 (Read HERE)
AND Our break up story;
A Dating Mistress: Spring 2019 (Read HERE)
*I won't bother with adding links to ALL the other blog entries in regards to the TwinFlame rigmarole.
Anyways, while in My therapist office the other day she asks Me a question that set Me off on a rampage with My words dumping the tall tail of My Divine Masculine. At the end of story time, she looks Me straight in the eyes and said one word; BETRAYAL.
AND for the ones that know the story, you're like "Duh, Monday betrayal is written all over that fairy tale." Yup, I know but I didn't see so clearly till now. I'm currently sitting in the self deception. I'm trying to analyze why I allow such betrayal in My life. Of course, I'm working with My therapist to uncover the mystery.
The only thing I've been able to come up with this far is, betrayal was so much of My childhood story with My parents that I adopted the mentality and somehow normalized it. Where I'm at now, is working through My own self betrayal. I'm grieving the lost time and providing Myself grace because ultimately I didn't know till I knew. AND now I know once you betray yourself, you create a narrative that is deceptive to all.
I personally want to be the best version of self at all times. However, I know perfectionism is a venture I will never meet. My failures are where I bare My truth and grow. I'm learning to forgive Myself. With that said, I'm getting more comfortable with the uncomfortable.
SONG: Pale September by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
A little dating update before I sign off.
I think so.
Well, it happened. A date is on the calendar. The redheaded tattoo artist, Cricket and I will be going out soon. I'm taking them for a ride in My 1975 Chevy Nova SS. We'll follow the drive up with drinks and dinner at:
The Raven's Manor (View HERE) in Portland Oregon. I'm feeling hopefully we'll be able to keep these plans and maybe a story to share in the next blog entry. To be continued...
Now for Cici and Me. Mmmmm. Well. Yeah. So, the restrictions that are placed on the relationship (mostly by his wife) are getting old and My patience is running out. I know the control is coming from a place of fear. BUT the thing is I'm not the one fearing anything.
Basically, what this has come to, is I am now feeling like the other woman. AND well, if you've been keeping up with Me from the beginning of this A Dating Mistress series, then you know that is the exact energy I'm eliminating. I'm a leading lady in My life.
SONG: Carrion by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
One last thing. I'm getting a 3rd dog for My birthday. Not right away. I'm putting a deposit on a puppy. The litter isn't available till fall/winter of this year. Which gives Me plenty of time to prepare for the arrival.
*My Birthday is on Thursday January 26th!
Until W/we meet again, take care...
ALBUM: Tidal by Fiona Apple (Listen HERE)
WEBSITE: My personal blog site MJ420Ultra.com (View HERE)
YOUTUBE: Obsessing Over an Ex-Partner - Trauma Mind by Alan Robarge (Watch HERE)
BOOK: Emotional Wisdom: Daily Tools for Transforming Anger, Depression, and Fear by Mantak Chia (View HERE)
WEBSITE: My Somatic Practice StarGaiaAwakening.com (View HERE)
BOOK: Choke by Chuck Palahniuk (View HERE)
YOUTUBE: Betraying and Losing Yourself in Relationships by Alan Robarge (Watch HERE)
Photo's by Pin Me Up Portland in November 2022
Instagram (View HERE)