"I've always been the Mistress & now it's time for Me to take the lead role!" -Ms. Monday Jones
Song: Elliot Moss – "Slip" (Listen HERE)
Maybe I'll come out of My solitude this autumn season. BUT maybe not. Hermit mode suits Me. AND well, I just do really good with 1:1 and/or small group activities. I will confess that I haven't phoned anyone in months; for some, it's been well over a year or more. I've limited My phone time, including social media, to work only. It's cut way back on My screen time and phone use. I mean, I am a recluse and all. So, not talking on the phone makes sense with the lifestyle.
I've also noticed My social circle has shifted (once again). I'm not even sure if I really have a "social circle." It's more like multiple circles, fanned out all over the world. I see Myself more like a butterfly that goes where it pleases and pleases wherever it goes. Well, when it comes to socializing at least. As a butterfly, I can spread My fairy dust freely BUT don't try to catch Me and/or keep Me. I will wither up and die if you do. ANYWAYS. My focus has been more internal and business-oriented. This, of course, has been beneficial in building My empire BUT not for My dating and/or personal social life.
During this most recent phase of introspection, a client that shares the diagnosis of dyslexia recommend a book to Me called The Dyslexic Advantage by Brock and Fernette Eide. I always knew that My dyslexia affected more than just the way I process language through reading, writing and speech. This book confirms that dyslexia is beyond a learning disability and effects the neurological system and cognitive awareness as well as nervous system.
Just wow! I really gained a lot of understanding of how I operate in the world after listening to this audiobook. This whole time I thought I was on the spectrum of some sort. I mean, I guess in a way I am but not necessarily with Autism or ADHD/ADD. (Not ruling those out just yet.) I also learned that 1 in 5 are on the spectrum of dyslexia with many successful people (a high percentage of entrepreneurs), currently and throughout history, that are stamped with the diagnosis of dyslexia. There's still hope for Me. *devilish grin
Song: Arlissa - "Healing" (Listen HERE)
I watched this really cool documentary series on Netflix called Connected: The Hidden Science of Everything (View HERE). I was intrigued by the entire first season, especially episode four titled "Digits." This episode is where Latif, the host, explores a law of numerical probability that applies to classical music, contemporary social media, tax fraud and perhaps the entire universe: Benford Law. It's really interesting and reminded Me of My past blog entry A Dating Mistress: Goodbye Winter Hello Spring 2021 (Read HERE), where I talk about hidden messages in numbers.
I feel like digits give so much information where humans don't fully comprehend the magic. AND numbers are a big part of our day-to-day lives...
Song: Rvdical the Kid - "Dopamine" (Listen HERE)
I decided I wanted to lift weights 5 days a week, instead of My usual 3, because I don't work out enough. No, that's not the real reason. I'm just changing things up for a moment. Also, I need to admit to Myself that I don't receive a paycheck for My running anymore as a sponsored ultra runner. So, seriously, no need to stress about getting in 50+ miles a week. I needed to remind Myself that I make money from My body and putting in the time at the gym (and into My nutrition) will pay off, in so many beneficial ways.
I'm hoping My weight lifting will change My body on the cellular level. I even shifted from a vegan to vegetarian, then to a pescatarian diet to receive the benefits of animal (from the sea) protein during this period of My athleticism. This shift took Me about 8 months to do with a little help from My Naturopathic physician. Ugh, being a sensitive critter can be exhausting and costly. However, if My inside environment is in distress, even the slightest, it will effect My outer surroundings dramatically. So, My relationship with My doctor is very important to My desired healthy lifestyle, and the cost is well worth it!
If I'm hungry (or eating poorly), if I'm sleepy (or lacking quality sleep), if I'm horny, if I'm sick AND so on, all play out in My experience. What we put in our bodies will have ramifications as to how we act/react in the universe around us. Awww, and it's the same with the outer world reverberating into our bodies. You see, the energy will mirror itself. Humans store a lot of environmental pollution that builds up in the meat suit. I'm very sure it plays a big role in each individual's personal life, BUT on the collective level, too. Remember, humans are all connected and their collaborated energies engineer the communal experience.
So, I encourage you to take note of how you feel the next time you're hungry, sleepy, horny, etc. Then observe yourself and how your feelings carry out in your surroundings, behavior, thinking, etc. Now, do the same with taking note of your outside environment and how it affects your mind, body and spirit. You'll find how connected they really are.
Song: Alina Baraz - "Electric" (Listen HERE)
This retrograde season brought around the ex-lovers, as it usually does. Building up to the Fall Equinox, not only was Pluto in retrograde but so were Saturn and Jupiter. With Mercury following closely behind. The energies from all of these plants had/have quite the impact on Me and many others, I'm sure, even if it's noticed or not.
Pluto has been in retrograde since April 27 and goes through the end of October. It only goes in retrograde once a year but for 5 to 6 months. Pluto retrograde is an annual planetary event that helps us to process everything from societal transformations to our own subconscious terrain.
Once a year, the planet Saturn goes retrograde, giving us an opportunity to reflect on the past 12 months of our lives. In 2021, the ringed planet dances backwards in the humanitarian-focused sign of Aquarius from May 23 until October 10. Saturn's retrograde helps illuminate all those little steps you can take to set yourself up for a smoother road forward. AND, with it being in the house of Aquarius, it's forcing people to think outside the box.
The lucky planet Jupiter went retrograde on June 20 in its home sign of Pisces and will last until October 18. During a Jupiter Retrograde, people may feel introspective, soulful, spiritual, intuitive and optimistic. A Jupiter retrograde will ask us to go within and discover our true potential. Now for Mercury, our planet of communication, timing, and mental matters. Mercury goes into its last (of 3 for the year 2021) retrograde on September 27 and ends on October 17.
Song: Childish Gambino - "Redbone" (Listen HERE)
So back to the ex lovers. The first run-in was while out walking My dogs: Po Po Tiny and Bruce. The ex biked past Me and tried to act as if he didn't see Me. Whatever, I caught his jaw drop when our eyes meet through his sunglasses. The next former partner looked so shocked to see Me perched against My parked Range Rover while driving by Me in a Northeast Portland neighborhood. I believe they were even shaking a little, like they just saw a ghost.
Now for the last ex lover run-in: I wasn't so lucky, since the run-in was not a drive-by. It kinda felt like a drive-by, BUT nope, we were in a crowd of about 150+ very powerful people at DomCon Los Angeles. I thought it was going to be a warmer surprise. That's what I get for making an assumption. Their first response when they saw Me seemed flustered as they sharply asked Me: "Why didn't you call?" Well, as stated earlier in this blog, I haven't been calling anyone for awhile. BUT, this wasn't an optimal time to share that information.
Now the next thing really was confusing: they flirted with Me. So, I matched them back with a flirty remark. With a raised inflection in their voice and loud enough to get others to notice, they said "Yeah, we need to talk!" very firmly and at least three times. I gave them a moment before approaching them 1:1 with an apology, BUT by that time they weren't in the mood to listen and proceeded to shout "You've got my number! You've got my number!" about six times as they walked away waving their hand in the air. By no means am I feeling warm and cozy about the interaction and by no means do I really want to call them after all this and that.
Oh yeah! Did I mention there was a photographer at the event documenting the whole shit show between us?!?! Ugh!
Song: Breathe - "Télépopmusik" (Listen HERE)
Fuck! I just have to say breaking up is hard to do regardless of what side you're on or even when it's mutual. This break up wasn't like: "I hate you and let's not be intimate anymore." It was more like: "I love you so much and I know deep down inside we ran our course and I don't want to hold onto something that isn't anymore." Because when you hold onto things, you miss out on what is meant for you. I love you so much that I let you go. I let Us go, so We can continue to grow in this lifetime because staying together isn't going to provide the lessons I need for growth desired.
For some reason, that last paragraph brought tears to My eyes.
I don't believe "letting go" means we'll never see each other again. It's just a shift in the dynamic. Which can result in countless outcomes. Some shifts are shameless and others need lifetimes to recover from. Only time will tell...
Here's a little letter I wrote to a former partner at the beginning of our relationship. You may recognize it. It's at the bottom of My first blog entry A Dating Mistress: New Years 2019 (Read HERE).
"Welcome to the beginning of the end. Yes, We will eventually part, either through life circumstances, a break up, or maybe even death. With Us knowing that there will eventually be an end, will it change how We go about Our relationship? Maybe We could try to put emphasis and effort into enjoying the journey, no matter what it may be and choose to be present with each other in the process with appropriate check-ins along the way.
Want to try this with Me?
- Your Goddess"
Well, of course, we ended. I go into details in My second blog entry A Dating Mistress: Spring 2019 (Read HERE).
Song: Jessie Reyez - "Figures" (Listen HERE)
I recently reflected on some of the significant past LOVERS I've had in My life (thus far). I saw a pattern and not one I liked. You see, I noticed that many of the past partners reminded Me of one of My parents and sometimes a combo of them both. As mentioned in past blog entries, I am estranged from My family by My choice. I started to separate Myself from them at the age of 17, but the break up with My family roots took Me almost two decades to complete. What can I say, some break ups take time. *shoulder shrug
Fear-based love with conditions (very similar to organized religion), the constant crossing of My boundaries. AND the judgments. AND the objectification. AND the controlling mind games. AND the shaming. AND the humiliation. AND the degradation. (Seriously, this list can go on and on). The fucking manipulation got old, and I had to eventually let My family go.
Wow! That sounded like a BDSM scene/lifestyle gone wrong because it was all done without consent. Which is called abuse. It's sad to say, that the majority of the population, if not all, has been a victim and an abuser using one of the many words I listed above. I know I have.
Any-who that was heavy BUT real...
Along My life's path, I have dated and even married people that produced similar, if not the same, karmic lessons to Me that My parents did. I know repetition is very helpful for learning and all, BUT I've decided that the toxic relationship I had with My family isn't something I want to keep playing out in this life (or the next). Nor do I want to participate in abusive relationships.
Thank goddess that learned behaviors can be relearned. I've been putting effort into redesigning them, what feels like My whole life. PLUS, I don't want to date My mom and/or dad. If I liked them, then I would still be in relationships with them. I'm done with those toxic karmic lessons. Time for Me to up-grade.
Song: Alina Baraz - "Buzzin" (Listen HERE)
Quick update on the New York poker player, then time to sign off. It's over. Done. No more to say. Signing off now. No, no, okay, so it didn't last long and I felt like it wasn't going to. In many ways, he reminded Me of My mom, who was/is an alcoholic narcissist. By no means am I calling him that. You see, it was difficult for him to be impeccable with his word and hard for him to show up. Of course I thought that would be great practice for non-attachment. Which it was.
It also felt like he wasn't fully telling Me the truth and had a hard time answering questions. He made 1 or maybe 2 out of 24 of our scheduled "dates" (including phone dates). Plus his overworked lifestyle, with what seemed to be little self-care and drinking/gambling, was a bit of a turn off. I know, I know: I smoke a ton of pot. BUT alcohol and cannabis vibe on a way different frequency.
I couldn't ignore the red flags anymore and ended it. I will say that I'm proud of Myself for remaining open to the potential and desire of a relationship with him. I'm also proud of Myself for not only knowing My worth but My malleable boundaries too. AND when it was time to transition the relationship into the next phase, I did it. One of the last text messages I sent him was: "I'll say, I really do deserve 114% and well your 14% isn't holding My attention..." The back-and-forth text "break up" (using those words loosely) was rather emotionally intelligent. I appreciated that.
Yay! Now future run-ins (or drive-by) won't be sooooooo awkward. *crossing My fingers
I know I'm worth 100%. ALSO, I totally understand that no one can be 100% hundred percent all of the time and that's not even what I'm seeking. I need someone that can show up, offering mutual consensual transparent honest LOVE, and follow through with their word/s. Of course, offering plenty of room for flexibility and always providing space to change our minds. Communication is key!
I have refocused Myself once again (a constant shift). I'm working on making connections and networking in New York City, so I can move forward with My plan to take over the world. Ha! *endearing smile
To SOMEDAY and beyond!
Song: Juice Wrld - "Lucid Dreams" (Listen HERE)
Benford's Law Explained: What is Benford's Law? What does Benford's Law mean? Benford's Law meaning, definition & explanation (watch HERE).
Side Note: No rhyme or reason with the song placements. They were inserted at random. No need to try to read between invisible lines.
Next Book on My reading list: Conflict Is Not Abuse: Overstating Harm, Community Responsibility, and the Duty of Repair by Sarah Schulman
Photos by Michael Edmonds in Manhattan Spring of 2021